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I've been dating a woman for 5 years and something has come up that I'm not sure about. Would like feedback.

My GF and I only get to see each other every other week due to kids custody schedules.

My GF goes line dancing every Wednesday night when she doesn't have her kids. I have my kids on Wednesday and my daughter has practice for her sport that I need to get her to, so I can't come along. Due to our schedule she often goes out on her own and it hasn't been a problem. She has in the past gone to a bar that she termed a "meat market" and told me guys were hitting on her and she put a ring on her left ring finger to ward them off. Incidents like this have not been a problem in the past.

Fast forward to a week or so ago and she went dancing on Wednesday night. We met on Friday night for dinner.

When I went home and check facebook, I notice a post of the guy that runs line dancing with my girl dancing with another man. Having gone through what I did with my EX, this made my heart sink. She was smiling, holding hands, guy with an arm around her, etc. (I know this is not like bumping and grinding, but it never occurred to me that she would be dancing with guys based on our previous conversations.)

Now I don't want to be the jealous boyfriend type, so I don't say anything. I'm thinking this is all due to my history and I'm being too touchy.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago and I'm working on my daughters car in crazy heat with my pal. We have to run to the parts store and somehow I butt dial my GF. I'm venting to him about her dancing with another guy, some miscommunications that we've been having and I say I don't think I can do this again.

My GF doesn't even call me back, I call her at the end of the night and she tells me that she heard. We go over some other arguments that we've had and admits that she would not have been happy to see me dancing with another woman and having fun. She admits that she saw the post and asks if she should have told me. I don't even recall my answer, but now I'm thinking OF COURSE. If she had said, "Babe, I still got it. Some guy asked me to dance and we did" or even hey did you see the line dancing post? I'm fb famous with a guy that asked me to dance. Then she even said like "Damn Steve and his videos"... like it's Steve's fault...

I have two issues right now.

1.) Before she shot men down. Now she is making a connection with a man. I expect some verbal slapping saying it is no big deal, but to me it opens the door for more attention from men. (Trust me, I am one.. :-) )
2.) While it may not be a very big deal, I feel like she tried to hide it. It was a secret and she was hoping I didn't see the post.

Any input from someone who has been cheated on would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry, there isn't enough information here for me to make a decision.

It sounds like they were doing the Cowboy Cha Cha, El Paso or similar country dance move. It is also part of country line dancing, so it's difficult to know without any additional context.

Welcome to SI and feel free to check out some of the different areas. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and includes a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

Hopefully others will come along and give you an answer.

I don't know the dance that they were doing, but you are on the right path.

First off continue putting your daughter’s events first!!!!!! I recently lost my Dad, and just today I was thinking how I always felt safe with him, and he could fix/do anything for me. My xh stopped doing things for our sons bc of the ow and that damaged them the most, I think.

To your question:

I’ll start by saying I love to Line Dance and c/w dance, and at lessons they teach couples dances, too. I dance with guys-but I do not like any of them as a boyfriend. I compare it to when I was a bank teller. I had TONS of money in my cash drawer, but it wasn’t mine. I never thought of spending it, taking it, anything. So, with her dancing with this and other guys-if she loves dancing-a lot of women do-then when a song comes on, she’s looking for the guy that does that particular dance best: Polka, waltz, double 2 step, schottische, etc. And it’s so fun to dance with someone good-I smile and laugh the whole time. But I don’t like the guy I’m dancing with, unless it’s my boyfriend.

I’d also say pull up one of the dances on you tube and learn it and surprise her.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:15 AM, Thursday, June 26th]

She admits that she saw the post and asks if she should have told me. I don't even recall my answer, but now I'm thinking OF COURSE. If she had said, "Babe, I still got it. Some guy asked me to dance and we did" or even hey did you see the line dancing post? I'm fb famous with a guy that asked me to dance. Then she even said like "Damn Steve and his videos"... like it's Steve's fault...

I have two issues right now.

1.) Before she shot men down. Now she is making a connection with a man. I expect some verbal slapping saying it is no big deal, but to me it opens the door for more attention from men. (Trust me, I am one.. :-) )

2.) While it may not be a very big deal, I feel like she tried to hide it. It was a secret and she was hoping I didn't see the post.

You're going to need to resolve whether or not you are ok with her dancing with other men when you're not present. She's not likely to give that up if dancing is a weekly excursion for her. IF that's a boundary for you the odds are you two are just not compatible. Especially if the relationship remains an every other week thing.

It'd be nice to know whether this was something she deliberately mislead you about. It could be it was just something she didn't think about, but it's more likely she avoided broaching the topic. Especially since she knows some of your history. Unfortunately, that's not something your going to get a real answer on. If she didn't tell you about the dances, she not going to admit keeping them from you intentionally.

Trust me telling you after the post wouldn't have made it much better. You next jump in thought would have been how long has she been dancing with other guys. Once the pix were posted she was screwed either way.

Other things of concern:

After 5 years, you need to be able to talk about things like this and not let them fester. Yes, some of it will be your history, but your feelings are real even if the triggers may not be. You definitely should have the conversation with her before dumping it on your friend two days later. A simple, hey I saw this post and it has me uncomfortable as you had led me to believe earlier that you weren't interesting in guys hitting on you while out dancing.

Yes, It is likely than not she was avoiding letting you know that she had been dancing with other men. It may be innocuous, but she should not have been caught out by Steve's posting. if she had been clear that she occasionally danced with other guys, it would have been a less traumatic event for you. It maybe she's just dancing with them, but you are right those environments are considered meat markets for a reason. Fun and exciting activities can really ramp up the feed good hormones. This is the biggest issue and it's one that you really can't be sure about.

Where is your relationship going? Are you remaining on an every other week schedule for the next decade until the kids depart or have there been discussions on merging households. This has been going on for five years at some point one or both of you are going to need more.

GF should have called you back. Maybe not right away but certainly she shouldn't have waited for your call. See above about having adult conversations when upset.

This did damage your trust in her which is going to have an impact on your relationship. How did she react and what, if any, changes has she suggested to repair that.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:39 PM, Thursday, June 26th]