SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't been dating anyone since WH and WH and I still date casually from a far, to the extent seeing each other once in the last year is really dating. And I've been fine with it really. Sure, it's a bit lonely, but one dip back into that new romance pool (not really dating - IDK what to call what I did) and I've decided lonely is better.

I had become platonically friendly with a male neighbor. We had these really great talks all the time and were hanging out pretty frequently and texting back and forth with ease like I do with some of my oldest friends. I was really enjoying having a friend locally as I have struggled with making any real connections since I moved here 4 years ago so I spend a lot of time alone which I will admit has been very hard for me at times. For the past several months we would hang out here or at his place or sometimes go out somewhere, and we talked about all sorts of things and some really personal stuff - the hardships he has faced in his life make my issues look like child's play - and we could talk for hours and hours with such ease. It was really nice. And at least on my end, although he is very very attractive (I'm in my in my 50s now and he is hands down the best looking guy I have ever been with), he is also a lot younger than I am (12-13 years younger), and I really didn't think about anything with him in a romantic way. I was just super happy to have a friend, and someone who seemed so genuine, and funny, and just great to hang out with. I had met some of his friends and hung out with them too so it felt like I maybe could finally even have some kind of social circle here. It felt really great.

Yeah, you can tell that's not where this is going to end...

I had friends visiting from out of town for a week and for whatever reason during their visit he made it clear like out of nowhere, that he was interested in more with me, to the extent my friends noticed (and of course encouraged it). I protested, claiming anything like that would be a bad idea because it would potentially ruin our friendship which I really valued. He said it wouldn't and that we were adults and could be casual and not let things get crazy and if feelings got in the way we could talk it though (and he pointed out that I am a great candidate for doing that as I am still friends with both my exes which means "I am a reasonable person")...so for a few weeks we let that happen. And I won't lie - it was great. He was very attentive and kind and complimentary...and then, for reasons that I do not understand, and without any explanation, he started the slow fade. Short texts, taking forever to respond, no joking - just really cold. He would stop to talk occasionally but the talks were quick and pretty surface. IMO honestly had he not been a neighbor I think he would have just ghosted me, but because that's kind of impossible to do when you can see each other's driveway, he kept up appearances. I feel now like we are more accquaintance-neighbors than friends. And oh does that hurt. It hurts not so much because I wanted more romantically (don't get me wrong I liked that a lot) but the biggest hurt comes because I thought we were friends, and the loss of the friendship is a major punch to the gut for me. So I find myself ruminating over stupid stuff like: maybe he just wanted to sleep with me the whole time and he was playing the long game and now that he managed that he's done. Sigh.

All of it is just a brutal loss for me and I'm a bit gutted. So for those of you willing to put yourselves out there actively looking for new relationships you are far braver than I.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:06 AM, Sunday, October 5th]

So sorry this happened to you. My XWH is a diagosed covert narc, so I haven't done any dating, plus I'm in my 60's. I just say that I'm dating myself after a bad relationship. I'm having more fun on my own and meet some awesome people doing new things.

Don't sell yourself short. You have a lot to provide in a relationship.

I totally get how you feel. I'm in my 60s and my dating experiences over the years have been dismal. As a result I have no desire to have a romantic relationship. When a past boyfriend suddenly showed up back in my life, I made it clear repeatedly that I enjoyed his friendship, period, end of story. He repeatedly assured me he understood. Within 6 months he switched from our agreed upon "going dutch" lunches to making a reservation at an extremely expensive steak house and insisting he pay, while pointing out he had ironed his shirt and put on after shave for me. Within a month he started insisting I go to Jamaica with him, which I repeatedly refused, and he escalated to insisting he'd pay for it. Mind you, he'd gone to Jamaica with both of his previous wives.

The thing is, I liked his sense of humor, his intelligence and our shared experience in working in public service jobs in our community. It was why we were attracted to each other 25 years ago. It was the basis of our friendship. He ended our relationship out of the blue back then, with no explanation. I knew that if I went there with him again it would end the same way. So the 4th time he asked me if I had renewed my passport, for a trip I made it clear I had no intention of going on, I told him I felt he was pressuring me into a relationship I didn't want. He accused me of being immature and that friends travel together all the time. So I asked him why he wasn't offering to take his very poor best male friend to Jamaica if that's the case. That was our last conversation.

I think your gut feeling that he was playing the long game is spot on. You feel had. And you have every right to be hurt. Against your inclination, at his persistence you gave in, and your worst fears were realized. Live and learn. It really sucks that he's your neighbor, but total indifference to him will be far more effective than being nasty to him. People like him hate it when they don't matter.

Oh I am sorry, this really must hurt and bewilder you right now. The part that jumped out at me as a question was when you described your out-of-town friends.

...during their visit he made it clear like out of nowhere, that he was interested in more with me, to the extent my friends noticed

What was THAT about? Were some of these out of town friends male? Was he doing a little claiming of territory, or something? If so, it would suggest to me a deeper insecurity. Which might be linked to his pulling away, too. Maybe it has been his pattern all these years that shows itself every so often. People self-edit their stories as they go through life and we do NOT get the whole picture.

But I cringed when you said you feel he would have ghosted you except for the fact that you are still neighbors. Wow. THAT is like ice water down the back.

In time, I am hoping you can get back to some kind of friendship but if not, it is HIS loss.

Thanks for the replies. It just sucks to feel like this person you trusted isn’t as trustworthy as you thought. I am a person who now especially post infidelity wants honesty - even brutal honesty and I think a lot of my issue now comes from my gut. I had that anxious shitty feeling I had during the A back for the first time since and my reaction is to want that to stop. Say my peace and let that shit go. But this isn’t an A or remotely the same situation and I know it so my need for clarity does not come from long term "you owe this to me" relationship dynamics.

He offered to help me with some house problems (a tenant and some repair stuff) before and after and he has lived up to that completely. And he came by to talk yesterday for awhile which was nice but I’m guarded. I’d love for it to be a friendship and just forget all of the other stuff as that is really what I wanted out of it from the beginning. Maybe it can be but there is a part of me that can’t help but be hurt because I thought okay when the sex stuff fizzles or whatever we will talk about it and it will be okay. It’s the lack of the conversation that really bothers me the most. I felt I deserved more than that but I also know deserve is a loaded word. This guy didn’t owe me much - he’s not my WH who did owe me some semblance of a conversation.

But the reality is this reinforced my need to figure my shit out. I didn’t want to date and I wasn’t looking for that to begin with. Connection yes, a romantic partner - no. Idk how I even went there. I suppose it was nice to be wanted.

And yeah there weee female and male friends there but they were either thei husbands of my friends or my long ago ex who I am still friends with who this guy has met and hung out with several times as sometimes he comes to my place. So no I don’t think it was some claiming thing. I think it was my vacation and I was more likely to let loose maybe? (And if that was his theory he was right)

If your ex was there, to me it really does sound like a "claiming" kind of urge on this new friend guy's part. Like he wanted to "win you" over this old BF/H/XH/friend guy. Doesn't seem to matter that he'd met him before. It actually might not have even been about YOU so much as he wanted some reassurance of something and maybe the whole thing snowballed and he freaked out.

Talk to any man I have known and they might see a bit of this competitive thing. Maybe Bigger will see this; he always has astute comments about such things. I know that's what my late father would have told me in a similar situation; like "men like a challenge."

Again I'm so sorry and if he can even show his face and be nice, that's good, right?