SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,

It has now been one year since DDay.
Quick recap: I had an A in college 13 years ago and never confessed to my H (then boyfriend). After my confession, there was abuse and he also confessed more recent infidelities. We tried to rebuild our marriage for a short time but ultimately divorced. We are on good terms but very low contact.

It has been a year. In this year, I went to an outpatient trauma facility, did more therapy than I ever thought possible, and did everything that scared me. I have traveled alone and gone solo camping. I have sat in the midst of my pain, shame, and grief and allowed myself to feel it all.

The pain still comes and goes. I can manage my emotions now, and I face them. I am a buffalo.

I worry about my exH but I remind myself it is not my place to insert myself, so I will always love him and hope the best for him from afar. I have reached a peace and acceptance that I cannot change the past and I can only be better today and in the future.

I have remained committed to my radical honesty and integrity. I have told uncomfortable truths to everyone around me, I have set boundaries, and I have focused on friendships and healthy behaviors. I have started gardening, and have grown my own herbs, fruits, and vegetables, along with some lovely flowers for myself. My ex's family-who is aware of the entire situation-is still supportive to me, as they are my only family (exH gave his blessing to them to continue having a relationship with me). I am grateful for their love every day, along with the love and support of my wonderful and forgiving and gracious friends.

My story is a bit different here because I am a WW that is no longer with her BH. I have done the best I can since DDay, and that is all I can do. I still struggle with shame at times, and guilt most times, but I no longer allow it to consume me in a selfish way.

I still experience a lot of grief. I grieve the 15 year relationship with my exH, and the companionship and love we shared. I grieve a family-mostly I grieve a mother figure. I grieve the future that was lost from the end of a marriage. I grieve the loss of the only reality we both ever knew.

I focus on serenity. Peace is temporary, and requires a calmness and cooperation of outside forces that are out of our control. Peace is lost the moment hardship arrives. Serenity is the calm within- regardless of outside factors, whether things in life are good or bad, I can navigate anything. I have learned to be strong and stand on my own.

Wishing everyone well on this website, may you all have a moment of peace and serenity this week.

I have remained committed to my radical honesty and integrity.

You are doing the kind of inner work that most people never touch, even when their lives fall apart. I hope you see that.

I too am no longer married to the man I cheated on. I tried my hardest to save the M. It wasn't in the cards for us. It took a lot of acceptance on my end and having to let go. There is an ache that still remains 10 years later.

But! that didn't stop me from continuing my work either. As much as it benefits our BS it was always meant to serve us first and foremost. I made this journey personal. As much as I wanted to make things right for my BH, I wanted, maybe even needed, to become someone I could live with again. Someone I could trust. Someone I could look in the mirror without flinching.

I was tired of the version of myself I had been carrying around. It wasn’t just about the cheating, it went deeper than that. I took a long, honest look at my character and my values, and then I held them up against what healthy, grounded, genuinely happy people look like. And the truth was… I wasn’t aligned with any of it.

A friend recently brought to my attention that the ancient thinkers of our world believed the happiest people were those that were authentic, honest, and to take it one step further had the least internal conflict. I tend to agree. I am (even as my world right now is falling apart but also falling into place) happy, joyful, peaceful. Because no matter what is happening externally, internally I am solid.

And I want to say this, your story does belong here.Not being with your BH doesn’t make your healing any less meaningful. It doesn’t make your insight any less valuable. There are people who need to see that even when reconciliation isn’t the outcome, the work still matters. The integrity still matters. The rebuilding still matters. You still matter.

You’re building a life that is rooted, intentional, and yours.

You’re proving that healing doesn’t depend on reconciliation, it depends on who you choose to become.

Wishing you continued steadiness, continued clarity, and moments of real serenity in the days ahead. You’ve done beautiful work, and it shows.