SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is the Brownie Troop Mom, class Mom, whatever Mom. She did all the Mom things while I worked long hours. Luckily, I had a job where I never missed a game my kids played in and I had the pleasure of coaching both of them in sports for over ten years. I did all the Dad stuff too. This was not the case of an absent husband/father.

I could see if this was just a guy that she had a quick fling with and came back to our marriage but four years, completely unprotected sex and with someone involved with my son? That’s too far. Who is this woman?

This aspect of betrayal is truly dizzying. The person that you thought she was vs the person that she became (or really was?). How could the two exist in the same mind and body?

A while back, I started a thread in General to try and deal with this topic entitled "Cognitive Dissonance vs Duplicity" and the many contributors did help me gain a deeper understanding. You may want to peruse it. You can find it here:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/658091/cognitive-dissonance-vs-duplicity-/

So basically, you have discovered that the affair was not the two years originally shared by her, not the three years she amended it to, but four years.
Not two BJ’s, but full sex, to full unprotected sex.

Basically – exactly what we would expect based on experience on this site.
Trickle-truth…

Way back on my second post on this thread I shared:

Honestly – nothing so far about your story is surprising. It’s at unicorn-level of probability that a betrayed spouse gets the truth on d-day. This form of minimizing and drawing out the truth… that is expected rather than surprising. "Only" oral for two years is the infidelity version of "dog ate my homework".

I also see another common trait we see here on SI:
That’s where you grow increasingly indignant about her actions, based on your latest discovery.
Like…. BEFORE all this happened, I guess you would have said that ANY affair would automatically lead to divorce. Then it might have been only oral and under 2 years. Then it’s 3 years and some sex. Now it’s 4 years and plenty of unprotected sex…

It’s very easy to have a very clear line in the sand, as some have suggested. However – notice it’s in SAND – not stone. The important factor IMHO is that YOU draw the line according to YOUR needs and belief, and you are allowed to draw that line in sand and move the line if you want to. I have a belief – based on personal experience on various life-traumas – that it’s easy to draw lines for others, but harder to enforce them for yourself. The key issue IMHO is that once you reach your breaking point – I think you also have a sense of acceptance and peace with realizing you are done with redrawing the line.

Sissoon – a calm voice of reason – said correctly:

IMO, the stay/go decision is not logical. It's emotional, and emotional logic does not follow the rules of scientific method. For example:
I haven’t changed my belief that staying with her would eliminate my own self-respect.
OK. That's that, then.

If you truly believe your own statement, then why do you need to know more? Same question that Sisoon asks.
Think that staying with her without any self-respect is going to work?

I am simply challenging you to really think through if you are venting here when you say it’s over, or if you are being honest with yourself. Is the latest truth from her the straw that breaks your back?

Only YOU can make that call.
But if it is, then ongoing truths won’t change anything. You have enough for the next steps, and you should focus on that.
If not – if this is you venting – then I encourage you to get the truth and accept that it will hurt. But knowing the truth is what will enable you to decide your future relationship with her.

Your next steps are definitely a major decision for your life.
I think that waiting SOME time for major decisions is generally beneficial. Of course, you need to be very clear on if you are waiting, or accepting, or adapting. At some point in the near future – NOW if what you say about never again having self-respect, maybe 2 weeks or 2 months or whatever if you realize the line only needs to meet your needs.

What I do warn you about is that the END GOAL is to get out of infidelity. You can do that if you divorce AND separate your lives. You can do that if you reconcile and deal with the infidelity. You definitely can NOT do that by rug-sweeping and/or leaving things unsaid and unhandled.

The other problem is we’re starting couples therapy

It is much too soon to start couples therapy. That should happen only after you have healed yourself and your wife has healed herself.

The reason is that couples therapy is to help heal the marriage. However, your marriage isn't what cheated... it is your wife... she is the one that cheated.

If I were you, I would hold off any couples therapy or marriage counseling until you both have mostly healed yourselves. Many threads on this site have told of horror stories when couples begin counseling much too early after D Day and before individual healing has occurred.

Many counselors, who do not have experience with counseling couples who have experienced infidelity, will try to spread the blame for the cheating between the betrayed and the betrayer. Of course the person betrayed had nothing to do with the decision for their spouse to cheat... only the cheater made that decision.

Other counselors will try to get the couple to rugsweep the affair. They will say the past is the past, and only the future matters. You just need to forgive and move on... in other words, just rugsweep the affair.

My opinion is that until the cheater clearly demonstrates remorse... not regret, but remorse... the betrayed spouse should not engage in any type of couples therapy... only individual therapy for both the betrayed spouse and the cheater.

I wish you the very best of luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 8:46 PM, Monday, March 23rd]

Bigger- I’m a little confused and still reeling from all the information I’ve gotten. Likely not thinking straight. I don’t know if I’m still even living with her because I’m worried about her safety or the kids or because I’m compromising in some way already.

Lrpprl- I understand about the marriage counseling and I do feel she needs to address whatever made her want her affair before we get anything figured out. I’m hoping for a little push to show her how to communicate about this and maybe we can start talking honestly at least. Without that, there’s no chance for our marriage at all.

Thank you to everyone who is giving advice. It helps!