Had a weird few days.
First MC session, just a background session, no therapy really. Covered the whole thing all my failings (not being present, contributing equally which I mentioned before) and hers and the current situation.
MC was brutally honest in a good way, we spent some time on my stuff (which I totally agree needs to improve) and how WS was mad at me for it. He also said "I won't ask you to forgive the A and I won't ask you to forget it" which made sense. Touched on a lot of Gotman stuff. In reference to A he said he doesnt believe in the "it meant nothing bullshit".
He finished by warning WS to prepare for "rigorous honesty" in the next session.
Later WS was livid, saying after all I had done she ended up being the villan. I acknowledged my prior poor behaviour and pointed to the changes I have been making (since Dday). I said that I wasn't treating her as the villan but she had to own her behaviour and the responsibility to repair the damage. There was some arguing, old unresolved issues coming back again.
We kind of left it there. Emotions were high. We probably need to learn to communicate better.
She has been very sensitive of my digital snooping which makes me wary. I know A is over but the why so sensitive about it. Pretty much every resource says free and clear transparency. It's something I need to revisit when we are more calm. I think in WS mind, A fizzled out long ago and so no need to snoop. Obviously I feel different.
Last night she was very caring and cuddly in bed; this morning actually requested intimacy in advance for this evening (this might be the first time in our 25 years she has done that).
So there are good signs and some things to worry about (resistance to transparency). I don't know if I will R or D mostly just focused on healing. I think this sort of messy back and forth is probably how it goes.
Am still getting overwhelmed at times so go find a place to cry, can't sleep etc. This is good, it's really days and I need to work through all of this.
I will say my journalling is pretty dark and gloomy. I tell myself I want to leave, and then feel anxious when I see WS. I wrote an impact letter for WS but I'm not happy that any good would come from it (or even what I want from it).
