Gemmy
I can be direct to a point that might sound mean, but keep in mind that I do share from a stance of trying to do good…
I think the old fall-on-your-sword excuse of having to be together for the kids is a lame one… A lot of research shows that kids model their future relationships on what they witness growing up, and that kids sense the lack of respect, the distance, the discontent, the distance and coldness between parents and think that is the correct way to interact with a partner. That not talking and/or arguing is the normal way to communicate.
We seem to think the only other option is some form of no contact or utter hate for the coparent.
Most people – sensible people – learn quite quickly that you can successfully coparent despite being divorced. That if both parents realize that the reason they can’t stay married should not impact negatively on their ongoing task at being the best parents possible.
Yes – you spend less time with the kids but done properly you can make time spent quality time. Chances are that today you might spend time in the presence of your kids, but how much are you really interacting with them? You might be leaving for work before they wake up and coming home tired after a long day only to tuck them in bed. I have a colleague who works manic hours the weeks he doesn’t have the kids, but cuts down to reasonable hours the week he does. Says he spends a lot more quality time with them after his divorce.
All this is not to tell you to divorce, but rather to realize and accept that divorce is a real option and possible outcome. When you open up to this being a realistic outcome, it can make you more focused and realistic about reconciling.
In some ways it’s like if you have a hard task that has a fixed timeline. Like if you know you have 6 hours to dig through the rubble of a collapsed cave entrance before you run out of air, you would be digging like crazy. If you thought you had unlimited time… you would be in there griping about how nobody is going to save you.
So my suggestion?
Decide within YOURSELF if you want this woman as your wife or not. If not, then find the best, gentlest and fairest way to end this. Without the arguments and all that. IF you want to divorce then it’s like when you resign from a job – arguing with your manager about hours and so on after the decision won’t change anything.
If you want to reconcile… Well… Then let her know. Something like: "I have serious doubts about our marriage but I would want to try to reconcile. It’s a lot of work and it requires that I see commitment from you. There are no guarantees and this can always end when one or both of us decide divorce is a better outcome. But for now I want to try to reconcile and I need to know if you too want to reconcile".
Frankly that’s the only issue that needs to be cleared: Do you both want to reconcile?
This needs to be 100% clear. No ifs and buts or maybe’s. No threats of divorce, no "if I had a choice" or anything like that. If you remain, it’s by your own decision and your own choice.
Then the hard things start: What do you need to reconcile?
If you can word your requirements then you tell her what you need, and then ask her what she can do to support your needs. If she’s not clear, you clarify your needs and let her know what you need.
Basically – you two set your goal, outline the requirements and outline the actions needed to reach those goals.
Step by step, issue by issue…
Gradually – over an extened period of time – you can evaluate if you two are making headway or if you reach the point where the divorce is your better option.
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Her family? Same family that is now being dealt with by her and her therapist?
I think one of the biggest mistakes parents make is when they don’t realize their "child" has started their own family that is NOT an extension of the original family. Yes – they are related and great if there is good interaction. But the borders need to be very clear.
Your FIL is not the head of the house, or the master of YOUR family. As with any threat to a family you react by limiting the impact the threat can have. For now, I would simply distance myself from them, but maybe one of the requirements you list to your wife is that you two start acting like the Gemmy family-unit, and keep threats to the Gemmy-family at a distance. Not because he’s a threat to you, but because he’s a threat to the Gemmy-family. Your requirement is unity, her task is to tell you how she will help ensure it.
One issue – and don’t take this the wrong way.
Your sister suspected you of violence…
SISTER… not your wife’s family here… but your sister.
I explained on an earlier thread why not to take that as total disrespect, but in a way appreciate if someone was concerned about your kids well-being. No matter how misplaced.
But…
I wonder if you tend to come off as overpowering or bullying…
I’m a former cop, and I have a voice that can stop a crowd with a single command. I can sound so angry and determined that people think twice about crossing me. My kids hate it and call it the "cop-tone" when I apply it. Anyone that hears me present my POV in that tone thinks they better agree, or I might beat the crap out of them.
You maybe have the same problem?
Maybe – like me – you need to view that tone as a weapon of potential mass destruction and rein it in…
I wish I could read this all to you personally – doing so, in my "cop-tone" would have you following this advice…
