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At almost 6 months out from d day the intrusive thoughts are becoming more infrequent for me, but I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday when unexpectedly triggered while showering with my wife in the morning, and it ruined most of the day for us.

We had a normal, pleasant beginning to our morning, and as we usually do when we have a day off together we were in the taking shower together. I was admiring my wife's body when I was suddenly triggered by the thought that I'm not the only one who who got to see her that way. I'm not the only one who's gotten to touch her and experience her in that way. I got suddenly quiet. I wanted to punch a wall. However, in the interest of not beating a dead horse I was just going to stay quiet, suck it up, and wait for it to pass, but she knew something was wrong and insisted I get it out. I asked/warned her, "do you really want to know what's bothering me right now? Are you sure?"

At that point she knew it was something related to the A, so she braced herself and said "we're being transparent, open, and honest now, right?" So I let it out. I didn't hold much back. I really drilled it in just how much it kills me still just thinking about the physical aspects of her A. I got a few more details, not trickle truth type details, logistic details I just hadn't thought to ask about before like "did you undress or let him undress you?" type questions that I probably didn't really even need to know the answers to. Like I said, it was a rough day from there out with lots of crying, "I'm sorry," and "please don't leave me" from her until later in the afternoon when I calmed down and we started really talking about it.

We ended up going to bed peacefully, intimately, and reassuring each other, but it was a rough day for us both. I still sometimes get stuck in a loop of reliving memories, both real and imagined, and it gets to be overwhelming for me, which then can become overwhelming for her. I think we handled it well in the end, and I know common advice is to "feel the feels" to be able to process them out, but I question if I'm properly dealing with this, or am I unhealthily flogging the proverbial dead horse and not being constructive?

After a rough first couple of weeks since d day she has been, and still is on a mission to demonstrate that she's a changed person and wants to be the best wife she can be. She's been in counseling for a few weeks now and seems to be responding to it very well. We've made huge, gigantic improvements to our communication. There was a time where she would have happily swept my mood change under the rug and avoided discussing something like that like the plague, but this time she insisted I talk to her about it. That's a seismic shift from the old Mrs Pogre. I just... man. I got really stuck in it yesterday and had really hard time letting it go. This isn't the first time we've gone through this.

...I question if I'm properly dealing with this, or am I unhealthily flogging the proverbial dead horse and not being constructive?

It seems like you both handled the trigger as well as can be expected. Being authentic and vulnerable is really hard in general and damned near heroic while surviving infidelity.

Six months out from d-day is still pretty early. The rollercoaster isn't done with you, yet, and triggers are going to keep on happening. Each time you both do your best to deal with whatever issue arrises it gets a little easier.

Addressing these moments head on is the "proper" way, as opposed to burying feelings or rug sweeping.

"Feeling the feels" is always productive, I think.

You may think this was unproductive, but it wasn’t at all. This is normal and for lack of a better phrase, needs to happen.

Six months out is still extremely "fresh." Next weekend will officially mark 2 years since my own dday and my feelings are still very much up and down.

After betrayal, "feeling all the feels" is very natural, but necessary — you can’t heal what you don’t allow yourself to feel. I do think there is a point where revisiting those same emotions over and over can stop you from moving forward and keeps you tied to the betrayal instead of finding peace.

I think there’s a difference in productive processing vs. unproductive rumination.

Productive processing could include you feel all the emotions (anger, grief, confusion) and then gain a bit more clarity or release afterwards. Feeling these emotions help you to better understand your boundaries, needs, etc. and will hopefully lead to productive conversations and steps towards healing.

Unproductive rumination could include replaying the betrayal in your mind on a constant loop without learning anything new from it. Constantly asking yourself "why" or "what if" questions that don’t have meaningful answers. Using the pain as a shield because letting go feels unsafe or feeling like you’re excusing what happened.

Feeling deeply is part of healing. Staying stuck in the same loop isn’t. The goal isn’t to shut down emotions, but to let them serve their purpose and then gently redirect when they stop being useful.

productive processing vs. unproductive rumination

Wow. I think that's the critical distinction in a nutshell.

Feelings are fleeting. Triggers come on with no warning. Feelings come on with little to no warning. After releasing a feeling like anger, grief, fear, or shame, if you feel better, you've probably actually released stored feelings.

If you find yourself ruminating, the feeling(s) is (are) still inside you, stored and unreleased. They can be released, but they're not released yet.

Kudos to your W for pressing you. Kudos to you for answering her question (What's bothering you?). And kudos to both for ... well I won't assume anything....

Wow. I think that's the critical distinction in a nutshell.

I thought so too. It was very succinct and very well put.

Feelings are fleeting. Triggers come on with no warning. Feelings come on with little to no warning. After releasing a feeling like anger, grief, fear, or shame, if you feel better, you've probably actually released stored feelings.

If you find yourself ruminating, the feeling(s) is (are) still inside you, stored and unreleased. They can be released, but they're not released yet.

I did feel better at the end of it all, so I think that was an instance of releasing some stored negative feelings. Somewhat at her expense, but she's the one who made the choices that led to me having them to begin with. I do still find myself ruminating from time to time, but more infrequently, and I think I did release some of that the other day.

Kudos to your W for pressing you. Kudos to you for answering her question (What's bothering you?). And kudos to both for ... well I won't assume anything.... blush

Thank you, and yes, at the end of it I'm actually very proud of her for insisting I tell her what was bothering me and making herself vulnerable to what she probably realized was going to be very uncomfortable and painful for her to hear. The old Mrs Pogre would have gone out of her way to avoid a situation like that. I believe she really is all in on rebuilding our marriage, and I'm glad I got it out.

I'll assume that what you're assuming is likely the correct assumption and leave it at that.

Are you feeling the feels, or are you thinking the feels?

You said you were in the shower with your wife when you started thinking about other people seeing her that way, and then you drilled into that thought. The thoughts made you feel a certain way.

How exactly did it make you feel? I’m not talking about what it made you think, I’m talking about how it made your body feel. Where was the sensation? In your heart, your chest, your gut?

The next time you get triggered, try immediately turning your attention away from what you were thinking, and put that attention on what you are feeling. Scan your body and see where the sensations are. Those sensations are your emotions. Go ahead and feel that emotion, and ignore the thought that generated it.

I am betting that you’re not really aware of the feelings in your body generated by the thoughts. Right now you probably have the thought, it generates the feeling/emotion, which drives forward the thought in a spiral. When you put your awareness on the feeling, it interrupts the cycle. The feeling something that is going on right now, not in the past and not in the future, so when you you’re awareness on the feeling, it locks you into the present. The right now. In the moment.

Give it a try. Keep doing it every time you find yourself starting the trigger. It’ll put you in control. I guarantee it.

HoP - You gave me something new to think about and focus on. Where did I feel it? Man, I think back and I don't know. I think it was in my chest, heart, and a hot sensation in my face, head, neck, and shoulders. What that signifies, I don't know. It was anger and grief over being betrayed, lied to, and snuck around on behind my back and under my nose. Some disbelief still that it even happened at all. Someone else has seen and touched my wife's naked body. This is compounded by the fact that before she had been with me, she was a virgin. I was the first and only man who'd been with her that way.

I can say that I was not really in the moment, but reliving and imagining the past. Compared to many stories I've read here and other sites, my wife came around really fast and dropped her AP like a hot rock... after a pretty brutal first 2 weeks after d day where she was not very understanding or empathetic at all. Trying to cling to the "just friends now" narrative.

D day itself was pretty bad, with her refusing to come home after I confronted her face to face in the complex I drove to where she was hanging out with her AP... at his mother's unit where he lives with her. I arrived in the general complex not knowing which unit they were in, called her, told her I was there, and she walked out into the common area to meet me because she didn't want me knowing exactly where it was for fear I might potentially cause a huge scene, which was possible. Tho I don't know. I was in such complete shock because up until 10 minutes before I drove over there, I didn't even so much as suspect anything like this. I literally found out, out of nowhere, that evening, on d day. So it was a lot to absorb pretty much instantly and I was completely blindsided.

She was supposed to be spending the night to help out a friend who'd just gotten out of the hospital. We were texting light heartedly back and forth, me completely trusting she was where she said she was. I had dropped her off there. She stopped replying, which is unusual. I texted that if she doesn't reply soon, I was heading over to her friend's house to make sure she was okay. She's epileptic and for all I knew she was having a seizure. So I drove over there. In short, she wasn't there. Her friend tried to cover for her and sent me on a short wild goose chase. "She walked to the store." I drove toward the store and made it half way there when I knew something stunk. I turned around, went back, and saw her friend's phone in her lap. She has the font size blown up on her phone and I could clearly see she had texted my wife, "Your husband was just here. He's looking for you." My wife replied with "What did you tell him?" Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I dragged the truth out of her friend. She was with her AP about a mile down the street in the complex where he lived. I didn't even know the guy. She'd been talking to him at work and fb messenger for a couple of months, and secretly meeting with him for the last 2 weeks at that point for a total of 3 separate trysts.

I'm still carrying some really negative emotions reliving that night. She said some pretty shitty things. Things I had no clue she was thinking or capable of doing. She had gotten into the car with me, I started driving and said "let's just go home and deal with this." She vehemently said "no," and at one point opened the door in our moving vehicle as if to jump out. Would she really have jumped out? I don't know, but I couldn't believe she even attempted to do it. She said things like, "What did you expect me to do?" "He's a GREAT guy!" and "No. I'm going to stay here tonight and enjoy my evening. We can talk tomorrow." Like I said, up until ten or 15 minutes before that, I didn't even have an inkling of a suspicion she was cheating on me. It was devastating. Like a building had just dropped out of the sky and landed on me. I was in such shock I couldn't even put a coherent thought together, much less process what I'd just been hit with.

Hm. I suppose after typing up all of that it's pretty clear I still have a lot of crap rattling around in my head and more to come to terms with. That night was the single worst night of my entire life, then having to go home alone, and leave her there knowing she was with someone else pretty much destroyed me. I've told versions of my story here a few times now, but that's the first time I included some of the more unsavory details of d day, which was almost 6 months ago on April 15th.

I can say after that brutal 2 week start she's completely turned it around. There were 2 big turning points. A conversation where I pointed out that not only did she sneak around, deceive me, and lie to me, but also lied about me to justify her actions. That hit her hard. The 2nd point was when I started calling divorce lawyers and real estate agents. That hit her even harder. That's when she dropped him like a hot rock, blocked him on everything, and has since been bending over backwards to apologize and try to make amends. There was no anger, depression, or post affair hangover. She was over it (him) almost instantly. I'm convinced she hates his guts now and is 100% recommitted to me. She's consistently been absolutely wonderful with no backsliding whatsoever for the last 5 months. She's demonstrated she's willing to crawl through a mile of broken glass to show contrition and make it up to me. Aside from the occasional triggering, we've been getting along great, and by almost every metric our relationship is better now than it ever has been. All signs from her are positive as far as R goes.

If we end up not making it, it will be because of me not being able to deal with it, and after purging above, I guess I'm still in a phase of figuring that out...

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:37 PM, Sunday, October 5th]

Pogre-

If we end up not making it, it will be because of me not being able to deal with it, and after purging above, I guess I'm still in a phase of figuring that out...

I know that feeling well. For me it hit at the one year mark where I just didn’t think I was going to be able to handle hanging out with the person who rationalized her way to an A. For whatever reason, we kept trying anyway and ten years later, we have the M we should have had in the first place.

As to your original post in the thread, 100 percent normal.

Trauma brain is still fully active six months in.

Your mind is working overtime to make sure you don’t get burned again, thus the constant intrusive thoughts.

Give yourself some room for those ‘unproductive thoughts" — a LOT of room, because again, your brain will go in circles trying to make sense of it all.

It takes a while to recognize what the feels mean and what all the triggers are (some you haven’t thought of yet), but try to take them all in anyway, process them out best you can.

After more progress, however slowly it happens, you will get better at dismissing the intrusive stuff that isn’t helpful. It took me almost two years before I was able dismiss the stuff that wasn’t helpful and keep the stuff I needed to work on.

It becomes unproductive when it costs more than it gives.
Does sound like this event had some positives. Maybe it was worth it. But the fact you need to ask indicates that you realize you might be reaching a stage where it no longer is productive.
The questions you asked? Well within your rights and need to ask. In fact – I think that from now to eternity you are entitled to ask any question you want about the affair to her. Only keep in mind that they need to have a reason (even if it’s only a reason to you) and that answers can change over time, as well as how she might have experienced events.

Can I ask how old you both are? Generalities are totally fine. I think I read in another thread you have been married 27 years?

Has she been able to figure out her why yet? I don’t recall if you had mentioned it. Also, is she still friends with the woman who helped her cheat on you?

My last questions has more of a personal reason for asking, because years later I’m still stuck on some of the cruelty of this all and I’m working on letting it go. So she told you the day you found out that she was going to go back in there and have sex with him, and maybe if she felt like it you could talk about it tomorrow? I’ve been trying to let go of some similar baggage though mine was years ago. It seems you are moving forward with reconciliation pretty well for being so early. Can I ask how you are able to let this go or move past it? I’ve been, admittedly, stuck on the injustice of it all in my own mind from my own betrayal.

Thank you for posting your story. I wish you both the best in recovery.

As others have said 6 months is very very early in reconciliation. I'm at 18 months and there are still times I feel insecurities, fears, what if questions, Etc, popping up seemingly out of nowhere. They do become less frequent and less intense as time goes by as long as your WS continues to do everything right during reconciliation. All it takes is one small step backwards on the part of the WS and it can reset several months of progress

Addressing it head on in the moment was the correct thing to do. Holding back, rug sweeping, this is not beneficial but detrimental to progress

My advice is to never hold back. Regardless of how it may make your wife feel you should share the thoughts that are going through your head. The more you share with each other the better your chances are at coming out on the other side still together

Early on our MC said it is not a good idea to know every little detail of the affair because once you know something you can never unknow it. As far as I know there was nothing physical between my wife and her ap, just sexting, but I demanded to know everything and when our MC suggested I get to a point where I think I know enough that I could be content I said no, I want to know exactly who is this person that I may or may not spend the rest of my life with. But that's me. I knew I would obsess forever wondering about every little detail so I demanded to know everything. Did she tell me everything? I'll never know

There will be days when everything is perfectly calm and peaceful for the two of you and there will be days when feelings of anger sadness rage crying Etc will come out of nowhere. All you can do is talk about it and ride it out but it will get better with time as long as your wife continues to do what she needs to

I told my wife early on this could take at best one year or it could take years for us to work through and I told her she needs to think about it before she decides to work on reconciliation. I told her I am in no hurry to give my trust back to you and the reconciliation will happen at my pace. So far she is doing everything she needs to

Brother, I have not post very much on your thread, but I just have to say.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK for everything holy. Good grief man, you wife has betrayed you in the worst way possible and you are worrying if you are too harsh.

You need to understand that you are being too nice and you have been from the start. You intellectualize everything about the affair trying to figure our why. IRL, you will never really understand. You are not a cheater and your wife is, it is about that simple.

Please let yourself off the hook. NONE OF THIS IS NOT NOR WILL IT EVER BE YOUR FAULT.

Can I ask how old you both are? Generalities are totally fine. I think I read in another thread you have been married 27 years?

We're both 55 yrs old, and yes. 27 years. We're both often mistaken for being younger tho.

Has she been able to figure out her why yet? I don’t recall if you had mentioned it. Also, is she still friends with the woman who helped her cheat on you?

The "why" is always the million dollar question, right? We've had our issues over the years. A lot of it revolving around raising our son and setting rules. She would, for the most part agree with me on things, but her parents interfered and interfered often. She would cave to them and it led to a lot of arguments, resentment, and distance between us. We stopped doing things together, I ended up on high doses of sertraline, an SSRI, it killed my libido, and our sex life dried up for a long time. I withdrew. She felt single, unappreciated, unattractive, and unloved. None of that excuses cheating, however, but I'm certain she was looking for validation. She wasn't looking for an A, but someone came along and started giving her the attention she was craving and she was receptive to it. She's in therapy now exploring her issues. That said, the marriage was not in a great place for a long time before this happened. I do understand tho, that the marriage didn't cheat on me. It was her and her alone.

She hasn't officially ended her friendship with the woman, but she no longer talks to her or visits. I'm not okay with it, and she's respecting that boundary.

My last questions has more of a personal reason for asking, because years later I’m still stuck on some of the cruelty of this all and I’m working on letting it go. So she told you the day you found out that she was going to go back in there and have sex with him, and maybe if she felt like it you could talk about it tomorrow? I’ve been trying to let go of some similar baggage though mine was years ago. It seems you are moving forward with reconciliation pretty well for being so early. Can I ask how you are able to let this go or move past it? I’ve been, admittedly, stuck on the injustice of it all in my own mind from my own betrayal.

Well, she didn't say "I'm staying here to have sex with him." It was more along the lines of she didn't want to come home and face the music. Did they have sex after I left? I don't know. She says not. She was pretty shook up after I left and me showing up there put a big damper on things overall. I want to lean toward believing her, but who really knows? They more likely did before I got there tho. I think that's why she stopped replying to my texts that night.

I think based on me purging in this thread and dwelling about it that I haven't quite let that go or moved past it yet. That was probably the hardest thing to swallow about the whole night for me, and it still bothers me a lot. She deeply regrets it now, but a fat lot of good that does for me because it still happened.

On that subject, and it's pretty unbelievable so I haven't talked much about it, he apparently has ED brought on by cancer treatments. He's a cancer survivor, and that is a thing. I of course didn't believe that for a second at first, but I've since seen her messages. She talked about it with one of her friends, the same friend you asked about. Same story. She straight up told her friend, "We never did have full-on (PIV) sex because he couldn't get it up." This was a conversation she had no reason to think I would ever see at the time she had it, so I lean toward believing it, but again, who knows? In either case, there are other things they got up to, and it wasn't just hanging out playing checkers. There were other sex acts involved.

Thank you for posting your story. I wish you both the best in recovery.

You're welcome, and thank you. Despite a very rough start on d day and the following 2 weeks, things have really turned around. Like almost overnight at that 2 week mark. We're actually communicating now. Openly and honestly. We're doing things together, like everything together. She's glued to me now, and doesn't want us going anywhere without each other. I'm convinced she never lost her feelings for me, is still and has always been attracted to me, and I to her. She just went about things horribly badly. Do I blame myself for her choices? Absolutely not. Nor does she. She's been owning it. Do I blame myself for the poor state of our marriage for years? Yes. I'm equally responsible for that as much as she was. We've made some drastic changes tho. She's my favorite person to hang out with now, as I am for her. If it weren't for this A I'd say our relationship is stronger, closer, and better than it ever has been. She's all in on fixing and rebuilding our marriage, and I am, too, but I'm still wrapping my head around it all and trying to process this roller coaster ride of emotions.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:53 PM, Monday, October 6th]

Despite an affair, you can get to a better place and happily reconcile.

It doesn’t mean you aren’t reminded of the affair. I still get "triggered" but it doesn’t negatively impact me like it did years ago.

Certain phrases, words, songs, musicians, etc. will bring back a fleeting moment of "affair memories" as I call them.

But I’ve just learned to move on from it.

One thing.

If there are questions about facts of what happened still, like if she was still sleeping with him after you confronted her, and you’re not sure of the truthfulness of the answer you’ve been given, it may be worth polygraphing those questions to ease your mind.
Just something to think about.

Oh I see, I think I misunderstood what you meant when I read your account of confronting her before she went back inside.

I think it's helpful for everyone involved to take an honest look at the marriage and see if there aren't ways we can each improve it, and take accountability for our prior actions. I'd agree wholeheartedly that it doesn't justify betrayal, but that doesn't mean we all cannot grow from honest reflection. You seem to be more than willing to do so, while also acknowledging the lack of justification she had. I think that's overall as healthy an approach as can be taken under the circumstances.

As I mentioned before, you both seem to be pretty far along given how fresh this all is. I really do wish you both the best and hope things work out for you, I'm rooting for you both.