DRSOOLERS posted on another thread in JFO about requiring NC and how it ultimately amounts to needing to police a WS so that they don't continue crossing lines, whether due to "moral bankruptcy" or lack of control over one's sexual impulses. (Being a WS and not being able to respond in JFO, and also not wanting to TJ, I'm posting here.)I hadn't really thought about that before, and it does make some sense.
But I do want to add a few thoughts. The first is that a WS is often stuck in limerance or the "affair fog" on DDay. Whatever the WS is receiving from the AP can feel pretty addictive, and I imagine for some, hard to give up. For those people, I think an outside force demanding a hard stop to the affair relationship can be necessary to cut through the fog. Kind of like an alcoholic being required to stop drinking cold-turkey in order to detox from the alcohol and get back in control of their lives-- the intervention and renouncement is how the addiction is broken and kept broken.
I would not be able to say exactly what percentage of WS would voluntarily initiate NC without it being explicitly required of them by their BS, but I bet the percentage is low.
The second is that affair partners who are aware of the betrayal (especially the ones who are also partnered) are equally morally corrupt, and it's important for the WS to distance themselves from those kind of individuals going forward, if they are intent on recovering and changing themselves. Not only should you want to be away from that kind of potential influence/enablement, but you shouldn't want those kinds of people in your life to begin with.
The third is that think NC benefits the BS because there is simply no more interaction for them to worry about constantly. It would really suck to wonder if your unfaithful spouse is acting appropriately or cheating again every time they're interacting with the "former" AP. Obviously it's just a bunch of unnecessary stress and triggering for them to continue having any sort of contact. Once broken out of the affair fog, if there's any chance of reconciliation, the WS should develop that empathy for their BS and not even want to cause that stress by interacting with the AP. But, in case that empathy isn't immediate, the BS ought to demand NC as a condition for potential reconciliation, if not to police their WS, but for their own well-being/peace of mind.
Maybe all of this is like, "Yeah, duh." Just thought I'd get it out there anyway.
ETA: I think what is important to consider is the WS's relationship to the boundary of NC over time. Initially they may feel like their spouse is policing them, and they're only maintaining NC because their BS won't "let" them. Then it may become that maintaining NC can be difficult at times, but they know it's important because they don't want to hurt their BS any further. Then maybe it becomes, "I don't even want contact with AP because s/he isn't someone I want in my life, even if I'm perfectly capable of behaving appropriately around them," in which case NC doesn't even feel like a restriction anymore...
In other words, does the initially imposed NC require *continual* policing by the BS, or does it *eventually* become naturally, effortlessly, voluntarily, self-imposed by the WS? If the former is true, reconciliation probably has a low chance of success. But if the latter is true, I'd imagine the chance of reconciliation is higher.
[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 7:29 AM, Friday, August 14th]
