SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nearly five years ago, my husband had an emotional affair (bordering on physical) with a work colleague. According to him, it lasted a few weeks and ended before I found out.

He eventually left that job and moved on to a new role. Because of his new shift patterns and our childcare needs, I had to leave my own job to support the move. I was happy to do it at the time because it was a great step forward for his career.

Recently, I discovered he has been having another affair with a colleague at this new job for just over nine months. It has been both emotional and physical (though he claims they haven't had sex).
It involved constant messaging, lingerie photos from her, selfies from him, and him lying about being at work so they could spend the day together, even getting a work friend to cover for him.

When I found out, I told him I needed time to decide what I wanted for our future. A few weeks later, he became very distant. When I asked why, he admitted he had "realised he loves her" and was hurting.

That was another massive blow, and it felt like any progress we were making reset to zero.
Despite saying he wants to stay and wants to be with me, his actions show the complete opposite:

• He broke no-contact: He started messaging her again and lied to me about it, claiming he was just checking in on a medical issue. I saw some of the messages, and they were not medical at all, he shouldn't know anything about her personal life when he is supposed to have cut contact while we figure things out.

• They still work together: Because they share a workplace, I know they are still talking every day. Though I asked him not too, they don't need to chat they don't work closely together.

• He avoids accountability: When I ask questions or try to set boundaries, he avoids them or gives me the silent treatment. Then, he turns around and asks me why I’m being so distant.

We have children, pets, and a house move coming up soon, which makes everything feel even more overwhelming.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for by posting this.

I don't have anyone I can talk to in real life, and I guess writing it all out is helping me see the reality of the situation and what I need to do.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Itsokayiamfine, I love your username, but I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

You say you don’t know what you want, and that’s causing you to be unable to take action. The good news is that whether you want to R or D, the advice you will get here is going to be the same.

The reason is that your WH is having an affair and won’t stop it. Unfortunately, there is no way to get someone to end an affair. If there were, it’d be the pinned post at the top of this forum.

There are two things that sometimes work. Walking away and exposure. If you decide to D, well, then you’re walking away. But if you want to R with someone who’s actively cheating, like you WH, then you also walk away.

Exposure means telling his APs spouse (the OBS) and other key stakeholders, like his parents. This ends a lot of As. Why? Because most As are based on fantasy. Once other people know, it’s no longer this fantasy world, where WS’s get to go off and have all this fun free from the pressures and obligations of real life. These clowns are risking their jobs, playing hooky to go have an affair (which I suspect is against company policies).

Walking away means walking away. Go find an attorney. Tell your WH that you will not remain in a M while he cheats. And as long as he sees her every day, and continues to communicate with, you will consider the A ongoing. Which is is.

Then, discontinue discussions about your relationship, the A, anything not involving the children. Look up the 180 in the Healing Library and implement it.

Do not trust his words, cheaters lie. He is lying about not having sex with her. Trust his actions.

This really sucks. I’m going through a house move too, and I can’t imagine how overwhelming it must be to be dealing with this on top of everything else. Keep posting, we will be the people you can talk to about this.

I’m sorry you are hurting.