I wish he knew what he has done to me

Long story short, discovered husband of 18 years having emotional affair last September. Left me and our daughter, he moved into a hotel to wait for his AP to leave her husband - she never did. November he wanted to come home, which I allowed with conditions. He lasted 1 day not contacting his AP (which no contact was one of my conditions), I told him he couldn't come back. He had a mental break down, threatened to harm himself, and was hospitalized. When he was released he stayed with his family and then a short term rental for December and January. He came to me in January wanting to meet all of my conditions and reconcile. I agreed. We both understood it would be hard work but wanted to recommit to our marriage. We skated thru February not really addressing anything, we were exhausted. March, I joined his therapy sessions as marriage counseling. He clearly had glossed over a lot with the therapist prior to me joining and had her seeing thru rose colored glasses. We did 3 sessions of therapy together before the counselor said she couldn't help us until he worked on more of himself (he wanted to avoid the affair and not hear any of my feelings about it). April, he was making poor decisions (texting with a random woman at a bar, come to find out he told her he was divorced) At this point I became numb - it was obviously a pattern, not an isolated incident. May I found out by phone records that he was in touch with a friend of the original AP, in order to "keep in touch" because they decided to remain friends. We basically were separated under the same roof at that point. He was unwilling to do anything to change his behaviors or work toward recommitting. June he declared that he is not "in love with me anymore and hasn't been for a while." During those months of living this nightmare, I was in the panic, fix it, devastated, desperate phase. July was spent getting things in order, preparing for him to move out (which he chickened out 3 weeks in a row). Last weekend, he finally moved out. Now that he is not here, I feel like I can think clearer now and see a lot of things in hindsight. I clearly thought our relationship was stronger than it was. I clearly did not know the man I was married to. I think he has had a midlife crisis but what is frustrating is his lack of wanting to make things better. He claims he is doing my daughter and I a favor by moving out and giving us the life we deserve (without him). I have done and said nearly everything I can to show him what he means to me but he obviously does not see my worth, he does not value our marriage, he doesn't want a future with me. He was the love of my life, my best friend, and now I see him as dishonest, cowardly, and an avoider. When we talk on the phone, it is short, about what our daughter is up to, the weather, the news - but he never asks how I am or shares how he is. I am struggling with detaching from a partner I thought I had. He is who I want to tell things to, share funny things that happen, ask advice from. Will he ever know how he has truly changed me, devastated me, what he meant to me, how he hurt me. It would nice to hear I was appreciated and recognize that I gave more chances than I should have. Will he ever miss me as much as I miss what I thought we had. How do they just shut off feelings for someone who would have gone to the ends of the earth for them?

7 comments posted: Thursday, August 14th, 2025

Fearing his heartbreak

Back story: Learned of my husbands emotional affair (which included kissing) 6 months ago. Separated for about 5 of those months (which was him leaving me and waiting for his AP to leave her husband for a month and then trying to find himself when she stayed with her husband for the other 4 months). I was devastated and lived in shock for most of the time. 20 years together, 18 years married, been thru major health ups and downs, life had become stressful and we were living mostly like friends (but a friend wouldn't even betray another friend like this). I became so depressed and was barely functioning, if it weren't for our 11 year old daughter I would have given up.
Current issue: He decided to come home, wants to be a family, wants our marriage to work. I was thankful but worried. We discussed my terms: phone records, check ins, location sharing, marriage counseling (he and I have been doing separate counseling), no more contact with AP, typical expectations. He moved back in but it has been more awkward than joyous. Ovetime, he has expressed to me that he was deeply in love with her (although she was 25 years younger and would probably never leave her family) but he still seems to view it as true love. So, he has moping around like a heartbroken teenager instead of middleaged husband who destroyed his family. He seems more heartbroken over losing this lustful relationship and seems to be just settling to be at home. He tells me he loves me but seems awkward when we are alone or if I suggest alone time. He hasn't really complied with my initial terms either - I am still waiting for him to set up our couples session with his therapist, i haven't received any phone records, if I question what, where, why anything he gets defensive and claims "this was probably a mistake, I will never make you happy."
I have a lot of fear that comes from this entire episode that was really out of the blue and completely unlike him. I am not necessarily worried at this point that the affair is or will start up again but I worry that my husbands personality has completely changed and I am not sure who he is anymore. I fear he will never get over this deep love he had. We had a good, blessed life but he seems to have lost site of that and I fear that he will never be "in love" with me again and only love me as the mother of his child. In the grand scale, this is still pretty new (its been 6 months of hell but feels like a lifetime) so I have been trying to be patient but I don't feel confident in finding the love we once shared.
- Mentally he has been so different and unstable at times so I have tried to be patient. I have read that he needs time to grieve his loss and cope with his guilt and shame - but when do I stop being so understanding and more assertive with MY needs without making him feel pressured?
- Do I not bother wasting my time on someone who can't value and respect me and take the plunge for the D? or do I wait it out and see if time will heal him?
- I understand all situations are different and complex - but any advice, I would be grateful for. I am still in shock to be in this situation.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, February 26th, 2025