Left to deal with things on my own when all I need is answers...

Hello,

I really need some advice from people who understand and have been where I am now.

I feel that four years after my wife’s affair, things should be better — and they were, for a period of time. But this seems to be eating me up inside. The resentment and the feeling of being "not enough" are getting the better of me.

I have no friends apart from people I work with. I have no money for therapy. I don’t attend a gym. I don’t have any social life whatsoever, and neither does my wife. I’m a family man — my family is all I have, and I’m happy with that.

I have never really gotten answers from my wife, apart from her saying she was stupid and it was a mistake. But something inside me still feels uneasy.

There probably isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about the affair or mention it in some form or another to my wife. Whether that’s me bringing it up directly or expressing that I feel unwanted, unloved, and second-best — but most of all, stupid.

She has always said that she didn’t like her AP, that they just got on, had fun, and it was a laugh. She has always maintained that — even though I knew it was a lie. But a few nights ago, she admitted that she did like him. Even though I already knew, hearing it makes me feel uncomfortable. It feels like she has been lying to me all this time.

Her defense is that "that was then, and this is now." She liked him, but she doesn’t like him anymore.

This is something that’s playing on my mind. But it’s also the way she has dealt with my pain over the past few days that worries me. She used to be there when I needed to talk. She would always reassure me. But now, her words feel hollow. They’re just words.

She has turned cold.

She got really defensive and told me, "You can’t keep doing this. It has to stop." I questioned why she spent four years trying to convince me she didn’t like him — only now to admit that she did. Her answer was, "I did like him, but I don’t now."

I asked her to sit down and talk with me. She went mad. She told me that I’m destroying our family. She said, "Yes, I did what I did, but now we’re fixing things and you are destroying everything." She even called me a "dickhead" for acting like this.

Acting like what? I was just questioning why she told me she liked someone else.

The real problem for me is how she reacted. The way she spoke to me. The fact she walked away, even when I begged her to talk to me. She left the house and left me sitting there, thinking all sorts of things.

When she got home, I tried to speak to her calmly. She just said, "Here we go again. I thought you’d stop, but you keep asking questions. I’ve told you everything." She told me I can’t keep doing this — to man up, get over it, or get out.

Where did this come from?

When things calmed down, I asked her why she blew up like that. She blamed me. She said I’m destroying our family, and if I don’t stop, I’ll start losing things. She was threatening me.

In four years, she’s never been this harsh or this cold. She later said she just got angry and didn’t mean it. She said she knows I need to talk and she wouldn’t silence me.

But I’m struggling…

I don’t see this as my fault — and neither does she, at least not openly. But she says I have to stop, and I can’t keep doing this. I don’t feel like I’ve had the answers I need.

I don’t want to leave her. She says she doesn’t want to leave me — that if she wanted to, she would have gone by now. She says she’s going nowhere. But things feel strained. Our communication is fine, as long as we’re not talking about the affair.

But now, all I can think about is that she liked him.

When we argue, she tells me how bad I am — how I’m miserable, how we never do anything, how we never go anywhere. She even said I wasn’t a very good father figure. She puts me down — and then when we talk about the affair, she tells me how her AP made her feel good, how they had fun, and how it was a laugh.

In my head, all I see is that she liked him, they had sex, and they had fun.

Meanwhile, with me, she puts me down and tells me how bad I am. After an argument, she says she didn’t mean it and she just gets angry — but in my mind, that’s not right.

I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want her to leave. I want to get on with our lives — and she says she does too. But when she thinks things are going well, I start all over again, asking questions she says I’ve already had the answers to.

But I haven’t had the answers.

I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I don’t know which way to turn.

Things are just a mess.

Im sure many people have felt like I do. But how did it get any better? I don't want to leave. I don't want a divorce. I want the truth. I want to fix things and get our lives back on track.

Is that even possible? I just need to talk with someone that understands.

15 comments posted: Tuesday, October 7th, 2025

The mind games to don't allow you to move forward...

First time poster, long time follower of many of the stories on this forum.

My wife cheated just over 4 years ago and had a very short couple of months affair. I have been struggling ever since. Things haven’t got any easier, they have just changed. In fact everything about my life and about my marriage has changed.

One of the things that has stuck in my mind and I can’t seem to get away from is the fact that she had sex with another man.

For the people that are in the same posistion, how did you allow you mind to move away from the fact that they have stayed, they have said they are sorry, but they still have been else where. How do you feel less stupid while the affair was going on, but just as stupid for trying to accept it and forgive knowing what you know.

I look at my wife and she says she loves me but some where inside my mind keeps reminding me that she was with another man. It’s like he was better, he was more fun, she desired him sexually.

Im never going to be as exciting as an affair. But all I think of is she is making do with me. Im not what she wants.

How do you move past the feelings and not let is destroy what you have left or what your trying to fix?

19 comments posted: Friday, August 29th, 2025