SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me and my husband have been married 11 years, together 20 years.

Around 3 weeks ago he revealed he loved me, cared for me but didn’t think he was in love with me anymore, I was devastated. As far as I was aware we were fine with no issues apart from usual small marriage bickers.

There was only one big problem we had I had an issue with a female colleague he was friends with at work, this girl had been in 2 affairs with married men previously at work and it made me un easy especially when they seemed to start working together everyday.

When he revealed to me how he felt about his lack of feelings for me I asked him could we work on this and instantly organised couples counselling, a mini break away for us both, tried to give him space , etc meanwhile my mental health took a turn for the worse.

On our mini break away we were talking about the girl at work and past events where I had shared concerns about her when he admitted that on a christmas do they had passionatly kissed.

I was shocked especially as he’d always made out I was paranoid, overly jealous, that he wouldnt go there. We carried on talking about this revelation. I obviously then had a lot more questions and slowly over the 2 days we were there he drip fed me more information.

He eventually revealed they had been having an emotional affair, secretly messaging and speaking to each other. He would delete the calls and messages, meeting up. I once rang when they were out together i said to him i thought they were together and he made me feel bad for thinking that! Theres so many times i said i thought something was happening and he made me feel like i had issues.

Eventually he admits that the night they kissed they actually slept together! I feel heartbroken i cant believe he would do this to our family, this happened 18 months ago and he’s managed to blatently lie to my face all this time plus making me feel like i had issues i nearly went for counselling i thought my problems were that bad.

He’s since admitted there was another girl at work who came onto him very strongly and used to message asking to meet up he said he never did anything with her but still entertained her messages then deleted them so i wouldnt know.

Im finding this so hard i love this man so much despite being disgusted with him. Part of me thinks do i try and forgive him we have so much history, 2 young children but on the other hand i dont think i could trust him again things would never be the same.

Im scared starting again at 37 with 2 young children 😔 im scared of losing my husband, my best friend.

Im so sorry you are here. Others will chime in soon.

A few things -
This is not you fault.
Right now, he is not your friend, a friend would not hurt you and lie to you.
Get IC, Individual Counseling. It can help you thru the pain and anger. If the first one is not a fit try another.
Skip marriage counseling. You are passed that being of help.
Protect you and your children, consult with an attorney.

Two affairs with two co-workers. The man is a cheater. What about him do you love? Do you love that he cheats? Do you love that he lies? Do you love that he gaslights you? I think what you feel is fear for the unknown future.
If he isn’t putting in the work to save your marriage you don’t have much to work with.
Contact a lawyer for financial protection.
See a doctor for meds for anxiety and sleep.
Eat healthy.
Get outside with your kids.

You deserve a loyal husband. Demand it. It is your right. If he will not provide it you need to make plans on your own

I wish I could pinch his head off, the big dummy. I wish I could give you a hug.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that your world has been blown up by your WH's (wayward husband's cheating). There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some really great posts that aren't pinned, but you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Your WH needs counseling, too. Please realize that this is traumatizing. Focus on you and your children right now.

If you're having trouble with sleep or anxiety, please talk to your doctor. Please also get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty things going around out there and some cause cancer.

So not only has he lied to you, but he has gaslit you and altered your reality - and gave you the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (ILYBINILWY) speech, which is a bunch of horse manure.

I recommend going to see a lawyer or several. Not saying you have to D (divorce), but it will give you some knowledge about what things would look like if you go down that path. Also, check out your county's family court page for information on D.

And it's ok to ask questions of your WH. It's the affect of trauma on your brain and your brain is trying to figure out if you're still in danger.

Sorry you're here.

Thankyou so much everyone for your messages.

I think i realise how badly he has treated me and still is really. He has now left the family home but has still been telling me lies about where he is so i dont know what to believe anymore, he could be at her’s for all i know.

I have arranged some counselling for myself so i really hope that helps and i have been put on medication by the doctor as my mental health has not been good at all.

I have a very supportive family who are encouraging me to do things for my own well being and this along with my children is what i am going to try and focus on.

The future looks so scary and uncertain but im just taking it day by day at the minute and trying not to let the fear of the future overwhelm me

I am very sorry you find yourself here but you have received great advice. Do get tested for STDs. And see an attorney to learn your rights. It’s very normal to feel fear of an unknown future. You will get through this. The way forward is to first get strong for you. Counseling is a good idea. Understand that you are the prize and deserve a partner who is committed to your M and loves you. Always value yourself. Eat healthy and exercise. Learn to love yourself in the face of this betrayal. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WH to cheat. He cheated because he is broken. Keep posting. Good luck.