SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bigger,
Logged in just to tell you how much I loved that saw analogy.

The best thing I did albeit five months too late was to tell my wife's AP's wife about the affair.

The worst thing I did was jump into MC the next week. I would suggest stopping the MC, start IC, and wait several months before considering MC. The MC's goal is to keep a couple together, get the win :/ Wait until your head is clear and you feel stable. Then decide if you want to save the marriage.

If you will feel safer by her quitting her job then make the demand. If she says no, well then you know what her priorities are.

UseD2,
I see a lot of "we", "her", but not a lot of "me" in your posts.
When are you going to think and care about YOU???
Please take the advice already given here: eat, sleep, drink water.
For most people, the pain of betrayal is the most painful event of their life.
You can forgive, but you will definitely not forget.
If you rug sweep, this can come later, let's say 5 years (ask me how I know), and it will hit you HARDER than D-Day.

The best thing I did albeit five months too late was to tell my wife's AP's wife about the affair.

The worst thing I did was jump into MC the next week. I would suggest stopping the MC, start IC, and wait several months before considering MC. The MC's goal is to keep a couple together, get the win :/ Wait until your head is clear and you feel stable. Then decide if you want to save the marriage.

If you will feel safer by her quitting her job then make the demand. If she says no, well then you know what her priorities are.

The day I found out about the affair, I told my wife’s AP’s wife. If I couldn’t have peace at home, neither could he and his daughters ended up finding out too. He admitted to multiple affairs in his messages to my wife. So now his wife knows about that too.

I made the demand while we were in therapy. She's not taking it well. I don't really care as it's what I need to move forward. I feel a little bad, but she made her bed.

UseD2,
I see a lot of "we", "her", but not a lot of "me" in your posts.
When are you going to think and care about YOU???
Please take the advice already given here: eat, sleep, drink water.
For most people, the pain of betrayal is the most painful event of their life.
You can forgive, but you will definitely not forget.
If you rug sweep, this can come later, let's say 5 years (ask me how I know), and it will hit you HARDER than D-Day.

I spent the weekend camping with friends I’ve known for over 20 years, and for the first time in 2½ months, I actually felt like myself again. Came home and felt anxious again though.

UseD2

I spent the weekend camping with friends I’ve known for over 20 years, and for the first time in 2½ months, I actually felt like myself again. Came home and felt anxious again though.

They say, getting over betrayal is on average 2-5 years, with some less and some taking more.

But, for a start: Who are YOU??? What makes you, YOU?
I don't think you being hurt by your W and by betrayal is the 100% part of you.

You felt anxious because for now, home is not home, is the place you have been hurt and some part of betrayal happened.

Let's take the bed and suppose she texted from it.

you can:
-break it in the yard (with an axe or a chainsaw) and have a bon fire
-if you can stand to be close to her, you can break it in hyper-bonding
-you can sell it
-you can throw it out
-you can donate it
-you can paint it a different color, change the mattress, the bedsheets
-etc etc

Same with your house: you can make it your home or you can sell it or rent it and get another one (if you can afford it)

Piggy-backing on Bigger's post (my hat's off for saying that again and again and again for years): to get out of infidelity, you have to choose differently.

You can choose to not be hurt
You can choose to not be triggered
You can choose to look differently at life
You can choose to be different and take care first of .... YOU?

How about you try this: when you get triggered either by remembering her, her lack of empathy or a thing in the house, get a rubber band, snap your hand with it, than think about the first morning getting out of the tent, camping with the boys and how the forest smelled and how those crazy birds sung like crazy with not a worry in the world...

Let's take the bed and suppose she texted from it.

you can:
-break it in the yard (with an axe or a chainsaw) and have a bon fire
-if you can stand to be close to her, you can break it in hyper-bonding
-you can sell it
-you can throw it out
-you can donate it
-you can paint it a different color, change the mattress, the bedsheets
-etc etc

I did some of that. Part of her affair happened from her desk, in her work chair. I destroyed that chair. She got angry and said I was breaking her things. So I haven’t done anything like that since.

UseD2
So I haven’t done anything like that since.

Hmmm,
What do you want?

"I don't know" is a perfectly good answer at this point.

For now: you can only control you.

She is responsible for her changes and what she wants. And you cannot force her to do anything.

First, you need to work on you, with the emphasis on, you will do this for you, whether she is by your side or not. You can't stay in pain forever.

Second: she has to show you she wants to stay in M and the changes she plans to do for that. Not on you to give her a list. She needs to put in the work, research and find the necessary resources. The oldies here recommend she writes a list of 9-10-20 reasons why she wants to stay married.

Than, later, you can decide if it is a good enough for you, or a deal breaker. The oldies here recommend 6 months before making a D or R decision. You can also decide Tomorrow, That's it, I'm Out.

The main thing is (Thank you Bigger), get out of infidelity.

Use the pain and the anger to get yourself bigger, meaner, shredded in the gym.

UseD2,

maybe I missed it, but can you remind me:
-how old are your kids?
-how long where you two M?
-how long have you been together?

-how old are your kids?
-how long where you two M?
-how long have you been together?

8,5 and 3

We’ve been married almost 10 years and together for almost 16.

Use the pain and the anger to get yourself bigger, meaner, shredded in the gym.

I’ve been doing this. My therapist recommended something called radical acceptance so that I could accept that this happened to me.

I told her I hated that idea. radical acceptance sounds like "learn to live with it" in a Zen robe and I am not interested in spiritually hugging my pain into submission.

I am doing Radical Vengeance instead. That means I do not just accept that this happened. I turn the fallout into fuel. I channel all the anger, hurt, and betrayal into becoming stronger, sharper, and more powerful in every area. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

My wife said that vengeful was one of the things she didn’t like about me during Couples Therapy. So, I’m using it.

Not so sure the therapist was suggesting you be happy about what happened even if you accept it happened.

Imagine this scenario:
Imagine you think you are doing a great job at work and think your boss is calling you to his office to give you a raise. Only he fires you. He might give some reason that you aren’t too happy with. Like needing to cut costs, and you think he should fire Joe who only does half as much as you, or he says you spend too much time having coffee, but you know its less time than the less visible guys having a smoke. Or whatever. You don’t think you deserve being fired.
But...
You are fired. No matter what you think. No matter what’s fair.

This infidelity-thing is comparable. No matter how much you want to, you can’t "uncheat" your wife. Just like you need to empty your table and start looking for a new job, you need to find ways to move on from the infidelity.
That does not mean you forgive or forget or ignore or pretend it never happened. It means you find a way to live with it, and that way can depend on your path.

If you do that WITH your wife then you need to find ways to accept she did what she did, and find ways to prevent a repeat. That’s a lot of work, but lots of couples here have done it. That really gives you limited time for vengeance. Her affair does not give you a permit to remind her about it each time she suggests you cook, or she suggests liver and onions for dinner. This is not the same as not talking about it, but there is a difference in talking and discussing, and arguing and screaming.
I have used this comparison previously: For a marriage, discovering infidelity is like waking up in the ER after a heart-attack. Once out of ER you might make drastic changes to your life and lifestyle, so two years later you are in the best shape of your adult life. At that time you might slow down. Maybe have an occasional beer and hamburger, and only jog 2x a week. But you would still have changed to a healthier lifestyle than before. At that time, you might reflect on your past and think "I’m so happy I made those changes", but you would NOT be saying "Thank God I had a heart-attack". You realize you could have had your present life without having the trauma that led to it. It’s the same with the marriage if you try to reconcile. If done successfully it generally leads to a great marriage, even if you occasionally reflect on what happened.

The other option is divorce. It’s a great option, but it also sort-of removes any agency you have on her life. Spending time being vengeful towards your divorced spouse is about as useless as it comes. Divorce is great in that you only have to deal with YOUR personal recovery, and find ways to be amicable coparents. But if she continues at her job and even starts dating OM again... not your issue anymore. Spending time being vengeful and angry at your ex is time wasted where you could be fishing.

UseD2,
the opposite of love is not hate or anger. Is indifference.

The Vengeful will get you through some time,
but your kids don't want an angry messed up father.

What you want if you don't want the 2-5 or more years cycle,
instead of acceptance, you want peace:
as in "It doesn't even matter anymore".

Now back to original programming:
beside camping, what have you done with the kiddos?

P.S. your CW, is addicted to attention and praises: it started with the compliments for dropping the 100pounds from her girls circle, private and work, than at least couple men from work beside AP, than
she choose to amp up even that
by raising a wall for AP, letting him "conquer" it, and getting a high from that ("He did that for new ME"). Flirting 101.

She re-wrote you and your entire marriage in her head during their communications
and
now she did the same with most of the stuff with AP.

I think she is conveniently using a process called compartmentalization, where she puts everything in little drawers, not to be connected.

Now she switched back to "mom and wife" mode, so she sees that as non-important.

There's a bit of lack of empathy too.

I think, part of Vengeful, should be for you to see her without the "rose colored glasses" of your love and commitment.

TJ
Bigger,
you pulled two gems (at least) in this thread:
-using a table saw for a coffee cup holder
-You could be fishing
/TJ

The other option is divorce. It’s a great option, but it also sort-of removes any agency you have on her life. Spending time being vengeful towards your divorced spouse is about as useless as it comes. Divorce is great in that you only have to deal with YOUR personal recovery, and find ways to be amicable coparents. But if she continues at her job and even starts dating OM again... not your issue anymore. Spending time being vengeful and angry at your ex is time wasted where you could be fishing.

Bigger – I always appreciate your posts and insights. It’s not about being vengeful toward her or him. For me, it’s about taking all the anger, sadness, and everything else this situation has dumped on me, and using it as fuel to rebuild myself into someone stronger and better than I was before any of this happened.

UseD2,
the opposite of love is not hate or anger. Is indifference.

The Vengeful will get you through some time,
but your kids don't want an angry messed up father.

What you want if you don't want the 2-5 or more years cycle,
instead of acceptance, you want peace:
as in "It doesn't even matter anymore".

Now back to original programming: beside camping, what have you done with the kiddos?

P.S. your CW, is addicted to attention and praises: it started with the compliments for dropping the 100pounds from her girls circle, private and work, than at least couple men from work beside AP, than
she choose to amp up even that by raising a wall for AP, letting him "conquer" it, and getting a high from that ("He did that for new ME"). Flirting 101.

She re-wrote you and your entire marriage in her head during their communications
and now she did the same with most of the stuff with AP.

I think she is conveniently using a process called compartmentalization, where she puts everything in little drawers, not to be connected.

Now she switched back to "mom and wife" mode, so she sees that as non-important.

There's a bit of lack of empathy too.

I think, part of Vengeful, should be for you to see her without the "rose colored glasses" of your love and commitment.

I know, and that’s the eventual goal — actual peace, not just running on anger. I’m just not there yet, and I’m not going to pretend I am. But while I have it, I'm going to put it to some good use.

The kids and I are going to a museum tomorrow without her.

As for what you said about her, yeah — I see more of that now than I ever did before. The attention, the compartmentalizing, the rewriting — it all makes a lot of sense in hindsight. I’m not looking at her through the same lens I used to. She has finally started showing some real remorse for what happened too. We had kind of a breakthrough in therapy and I said her working there with him is a dealbreaker.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through brother. I have found out 2 years ago that she cheated on me. When I read your story I saw a lot of parallels to mine.

She told me it was also just sexting at first but later I found out it was just the tip of the iceberg, the typical trickle truth.

And I also wasn't healing fast enough for her. At first she was very understanding, but I was constantly triggered and eventually she ended up also getting angry at me for not being able to hold it together.

The first few weeks/months, I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning, I didn't want to, I couldn't think about anything else, I was in a constant state of a thick fog in my brain. We have a daughter, and I had to function for her, but that was the only thing I was able to do, just function and pretend that everything was ok.

Please know that you are in community of great people here. I just discovered this place (I wish I had found this sooner) and just knowing that there are others out there with the same pain, helped me feel heard and seen again.