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I’m sick and tired of being exploited and taken advantage of, in life generally but also in our relationship. Recently it really grates on me that my WSO can’t see that she’s been part of it. I think, after 28 years, I’m finally starting to think I might find the balls to leave and at 53 finally find a life of my own, for me before anyone else. I’ve loved her like I could never love anyone else, but it feels like the time is approaching to finally put an end to this tortuous misery. I cared for her from day one. She moved into my house, didn’t contribute anything for the first 7 years. From years 5-10, she was f’king around with ONS’s and casual encounters, one of whom she confessed, years later, to having brought them back to my house when I was away. And at a time when I was spread so thin, caring for my parents, working and studying while still giving her plenty of romantic attention. She had sex with another in the back of our car that we’d bought together from my little and only savings at the time. No regard for any sentiment that I thought we’d attached to it. I failed professional exams in the aftermath of her confession that dented my career permanently, but she doesn’t see any significance of what she’d done. I built up an unmanageable amount of personal debt. She thinks I should be over it. Maybe I should. She never offers a meaningful apology and I genuinely think now she’s always thought it was no big deal. She certainly doesn’t get the damage she’s caused me mentally/psychologically and emotionally, and I don’t think she sees anything wrong with the circumstances of her encounters (except for knowing they were wrong on the context of being in relationship). Recently, and for the first time in 28 years, her presence is starting to irritate me. The differences I thought I could live with are now amplified, her untidiness, the fact I cook probably 4 out of every 5 meals. The fact I get up early with kids every day, form the day they were born. She gets a ‘lay in’ by comparison most days, breakfast in bed often and almost every day she gets asked what she wants and gets what she asks for. Aside from the odd time when I’ve been ill, she’s never offered. I do the laundry, maintain the house, look after and pay for both cars. She pays 75% of the mortgage and I pay everything else, nearly double what she pays. She keeps her salary to herself. But above all, she can’t see what a walkover I’ve been. She thinks I feel sorry for myself which I probably do, but I don’t get that she feels sorry, like properly sorry for the practical damage, or the hurt, or the destroyed self esteem, or the frustrating embarrassment in the bedroom arising from the ongoing trauma all these years later; or the indignity of going for STD tests in the aftermath; or frequently encountering the men she’s slept with. More often than now wish she’d f’ck off, or even kick me out. I’m destined to end up with nothing material, but truly, I couldn’t give a crap, I could live with nothing but be happy, or at least happier than I am now.

When one spouse does too much for the other such as tokens of appreciation, busting your ass to provide, making sure he/she knows how important and treasured and loved he/she is, etc I now firmly believe it makes the other take you for granted. My wife certainly did.

One thing I did every night when we went to bed was to make sure I was touching her in some manner but obviously that meant nothing hence the reason she let another guy into the relationship.

When everything imploded I asked did you not ever consider what would happen if I found out and she kept saying no I never gave it any thought. It was months in before she finally admitted I knew you would be upset but I didn't think you would be this upset. In other words, she was taking for granted that I would get mad go silent for a few days and eventually we would just sweep it under the rug and move on

Now I do maybe 20% of those little things that I used to do for her. Quite often when I think about doing something I talk myself out of it. Part of me thinks that if I start doing all those little loving things again we will fall right back into the being taken for granted trap.

It sounds like you are ready to end the relationship and move on regardless of the financial costs. How much is your happiness worth?

Resentment is destructive to any relationship, and you have a lot - for a lot of good reasons.

What happens if you tell her all this? What happens if you just stop catering to all her needs and start focusing on YOU?

What do you have to lose?

Maybe you should D- I did at 50 and there is life for us out there. But it takes two to rug-sweep. So pull up that rug and lay out the dirt that has been hidden. See what happens.

You do deserve to be happy and in a relationship where you are cherished and appreciated.
But you have to ask for that - she’s obviously not going to just give that to you.

Respectfully, the only one keeping you in this is you. Imagine if a close friend had the same history as you and was feeling the exact same way, what would you tell them? She had her fun, doesn’t care how it affected you and now expects you to just get over it.

Life is too short to stay in this kind of situation.

WGOI

Tired of being walked all over!

Are you tired enough of being walked all over to stop being walked all over?

It’s your choice. Change something or accept life as it is.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 12:39 PM, Tuesday, August 12th]

I suggest looking at https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/. If it makes sense to you, my reco is to implement it for yourself.

Also, it might be empowering for you to realize you chose to be where you are - that makes it just as possible to choose to be someplace else.

Finally (for now), it may be that your WSO would be willing to change if you asked her to change, although that may be too late, given what you posted above.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:29 PM, Tuesday, August 12th]

My mother used to say that only you can make yourself a doormat. Whether you walk away or not, start by standing up. You are the prize here, not her.

A big problem in many relationships is when there is an unhealthy pattern established that is either not recognized or acknowledged by both.
In classic examples it can be that one partner doesn’t see anything wrong in spending every Saturday playing golf, or that they take time three to four times per week to go to the gym for 2-3 hours per session, or they go to the pub several times per week.
The partner might know you are unhappy, but either the message isn’t clear or the consequences aren’t enough to make them want to change.
It’s not a case of never doing anything for yourself, but more a case of realizing that being in a family has some commitment, and that your personal time and how you act impacts others. Therefore, what you do for yourself has to align with what has to be done for the family. That can only be done if people communicate, understand each others needs and work on compromises that let everyone get what they ask for.

Doesn’t sound like that’s happening in your marriage...

Equality in a relationship isn’t that you cook equally. Like... I probably cook 4 out of 5 meals. But my wife does the laundry and cleaning. Except – I clean the bathrooms weekly. There is an accepted division of labor that we have discussed and are happy with. We feel the chores of cohabiting, raising kids and all that are divided in an acceptable way.

I think you might benefit from MC. I think that if you were to share your issues using a neutral professional then that professional can be what makes her realize there might be some truth in your complaints.

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I have concerns about how you discuss money. You call yourself "partners" – as in not formally married, not certain of your country (all countries can claim to have an area defined as the north-west part of it...) but with 28 years together and kids... chances are a separation would be about legally as close to divorce as if you were married.
If you two have any hope of remaining together, then start looking at finances as joint. There is no sense at all for a couple living together for this long for one to be paying interest off loans and debts, and the other to be accumulating interest from saved earnings.

Frankly WTGO...
See a MC and use whatever comes out of that to decide if you want this relationship or not. If she can’t give you what you need (and needing respect and feeling valued is a prime need IMHO) then end it rather than remain expecting change.