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It’s been over two years since my WW (43F) had her first of two As. DD was 12/23/2023. As soon as I (47M) confronted her on DD, all sex and physical contact between us stopped. Her decision.

We have been in MC and IC for over two years and she is still "not feeling like" having sex or any physical contact. I’m going crazy.

She continues to not feel in love and yet wants to work things out. She is always busy with her girl friends and work. I get left holding down the house and taking care of the kids while she plays away from the house. I’ve just about had it.

If it wasn’t for our two awesome kiddos, I’d have left a long time ago. Help! At what point do I just call it quits?

Best time to quit was probably two years ago. Best you can do is today.

I don't know if you are the high earner. So I can't speculate too much about how your wife is using you, but she is using you.

You trust her when she is out with her girlfriends after two A's?

This is a reverse of the classic: I stayed home to raise our kids and help my wife start her own business. The business has taken off and she is the high income earner. I’ll be screwed in a divorce. 😞

You'll get half of all assets, plus child support, plus alimony in most states.

Edit: location is Oregon, definitely true.

Edit 2: Take a consultation with the three best lawyers in town. Gives you the lay of the land and keeps them off the table for her.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:17 PM, Monday, October 6th]

I met with a couple attorneys right after DDay and I’ll be ok short term financially. It’s the long term where there is a HUGE financial hit. I’m about to just say screw it and take the hit.

The big change in nearly two years is my WW is now interested in being a parent again to our kids. She is also an alcoholic and while she has cut back, she is still actively drinking.

Yep, and you never know what the future holds but two years without physical affection is brutal.

I know you posted in the R forum but I feel for you.

Can you get your wife some sort of help for getting sober? If not for your sake, but for the sake of your children? Nobody benefits from growing up with an alcoholic parent.

I don’t know whether you trust her while she’s not home so often, but I know I would be suspicious if I were in your position. I just can’t imagine wanting to be married to someone if I didn’t ever want to spend time with them or have any sort of physical intimacy with them (and that goes in either direction.) It just seems like there’s a good chance she’s getting her needs met elsewhere and leaving you to suffer… Have you considered a separation, if not a full divorce?

I’m so sorry all of this is going on in your life

[accidentally double posted. Sorry!]

[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 12:31 AM, Tuesday, October 7th]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

I have talked with her about her drinking. She thinks she has it managed. I’m in Al-Anon and stopped drinking with her 23 months ago. Not sure if she even thinks she "still has a problem."

I am a little suspicious of her getting some here and there still. She does last minute out of town overnights for work and play. Less frequently than when she was cheating.

I know that I can only control myself and ask myself to change, but I’m exhausted (and as my IC points out) from being a single parent. Solo parenting 95% of the time.

Basically I’m all alone, but not single. I can’t seem to pursue her (if I do, I’m "not respecting her boundaries or being patient…") and I can’t ethically pursue someone else.

Just getting to the "I’m done" stage. 😥

I faced a similar situation (except my wife was not an earner at all) and endured years of no intimacy after DD and no contact with OM. I finally said we either fix this or I will divorce. We fixed it then. Your wife may require an ultimatum. Unfortunately, with the alcoholism and her belief that she controls everything because of her earning status you need to require her joining AA and getting counseling as well and make that a condition of you remaining married to her. May be best to go ahead and file; if she’s willing to work on herself it may be the reality therapy she needs. Or you may find she loves her dysfunction more than you.

If it wasn’t for our two awesome kiddos, I’d have left a long time ago.

Do you think it's possible your WW feels the same way? I just read all of your posts and that's the impression I get. She's got her full-time nanny and she's living la vida loca.

(I was a sahd, too, btw)

Divorce occurs when your desire to not see your spouse every day outweighs your desire to see your kids every day. Been there and done that.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:43 AM, Tuesday, October 7th]

I think this must be the case. I have remained interested in her until lately. By saying I would have left a while ago, I just mean that her infidelity and manipulation were so extreme.

I have been hesitant to use ultimatums. I know with addiction, the addict has to want the help. I think she’s just not there.

I have wrestled with her avoidance of all forms of intimacy and can only assume at this point that she is racked with guilt.

Money comes and goes. And no amount of it
Will ever buy a second of time.
In hindsight, yeah you probably should have filed 2 years ago. But you didn’t know that then. Now you do.

I struggle with feeling like the only one willing to compromise and put in effort. I got cheated on and she’s still unsure and wants time.

Perhaps ultimatum time has come?

Ultimatum?

Ultimatum of engage and address your drinking. If she wants more time being emotionally disconnected, we should do it separated.

I can’t stomach the constant rejection from her anymore.

It makes me terribly sad as I was still very much wanting the relationship (21 years married) and she has worn me down to this moment where I’m not even sure she’s worth the effort any longer.

Breaks my heart.

My guess? She thinks she has you over a barrel. She thinks she has the upper hand because she brings the money, which likely speaks to general entitlement to do whatever it is she wants to without repercussion.

She doesn’t respect you.

Honestly I would issue the ultimatum immediately. Nothing is going to change without a wake-up call. And even then, it may not so be willing to follow through.

She has had multiple affairs now and nothing is stopping her from believing she can do whatever she wants. She needs to really put the rubber to the road on working on herself and whether or not losing you will be that wake up call, I don’t know. A lot of ws do not do anything to change until they finally realize they are at rock bottom, for some the depths of that must be deeper before they decide to do anything.

It is heartbreaking. Infidelity is heartbreaking. Divorce is heartbreaking. Brother, these pages are brimming over with a world of heartbreak.

I issued only one ultimatum in all the years my exww and I were trying to reconcile. About six months after d-day, I told her to make an appointment with a therapist or a divorce lawyer. The choice was hers. It wasn't a bluff. For me, divorce was on the table from day one. I made IC for her a condition of reconciliation, something often suggested by members.

Maybe an ultimatum like this will work for you. Generally speaking, ultimatums do not work and I don't recommend it.

If you're done, be done. Hardcore 180, negotiate and arrange the separation, then file for divorce.

It's hard, I know.