SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"The cold hard truth is I catered to this woman my whole adult life. Let hobbies go, lost touch with great friends, changed traditions, and lost myself as a person in many ways. All for what? Like you said, what am I really fighting for here?"

I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard similar words from a BS. The fact is that you will find a WS admitting they took these efforts for granted. No matter what you ultimately decide to do in your M, moving forward, always value yourself. I believe a healthy relationship involves both partners maintaining their individuality, their interests and passions, as well as devotion and commitment to their partner and family. But we’ve all been there. Losing ourselves in our day to day work, supporting our partner, being active with our children while sacrificing our hobbies or sports, or activities. There’s a correct balance there somewhere. You will find it. Getting back to your friends, your hobbies, your favorite activities is part of the healing process.

As far as one of you moving out, particularly you, be careful with that one. In some cases that could be considered a form of abandonment in the eyes of the law as far as custody/time goes with your kids.

I don't think you're 100% looking at divorce at this point yet, but if it is a possibility you don't want to jeopardize losing time with your kids because of a technicality. Definitely run it by a lawyer before you do something like that.

Fareast:

Thank you for the kind words. This is one of those things that I have really been reflecting on. It's something that happens so easily, and you don't even really notice it happening. You're right too, my wife has admitted to "taking me for granted". I prefer to think of it in a different way though; she used me for years and was likely engaging in this type of behavior throughout our entire relationship. While I thought I had a woman who respected me and appreciated me, she was blowing up boundaries and bad mouthing me to her boyfriend or whoever else would listen. That is a sobering realization. She wanted the security at home, and the fun behind closed doors. While I was out there defending her and doing what I was raised to do as a man, providing for my family, she was making me out to be some negative entity in her life. It's truly unbelievable. It's the ultimate betrayal.

I can assure you that if my wife and I do reconcile, that relationship is OVER. It would have to be something completely restructured. I've seen the truth now, there's no going back.

Pogre:

I appreciate the advice. I have no intention of leaving my house, no matter what. So, no worries there.

Quick update for everyone:

Things are steadily getting worse. I implemented some of the 180 tactics and it really didn't do anything but make her more combative. At this point, it looks like we are heading to a D. I've had a few conversations with my wife about doing legal consultations and how things would likely play out and it just resulted in more avoidance. Honestly, even more blame shifting, fighting, and just an overall lack of accountability for her actions.

I told her at this point I'm not really interested reconciliation. Its not the route that I wanted, but I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel on this one.

I appreciate everyone's support throughout this thread.

Dale,

I know you may not be familiar with but what the 180 is, it is no tactic.

It is simply the biggest fuck you one can give to another person.

Flip your back to, leave them, move on with your life.

Screaming, begging or whatever, they lose any power because you took all the power for yourself. You left, even if you are still temporary present.

You can’t use "some tactics" you can’t "half leave". It doesn’t work, is not real is performance.

Naturally doesn’t work.
That’s not a 180

Hope you understand

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 5:37 PM, Tuesday, June 23rd]

The 180 is for you. Not her. It helps you detach. You no longer have conversations. You answer yes or no to questions. If she wants more than that, too bad. You are protecting yourself. Her needs and wants are no longer your responsibility. Drop the rope. The boat is sinking. Just let go.

I agree with Cooley2Here, the 180 is for you. To quote from the healing library:

Oftentimes, the wayward spouse will go on the offensive – arguing, blame-shifting, minimising or justifying their actions, projecting untruths, lying, making threats, and so forth. Engaging in these arguments serves to meet their negative emotional needs and further entrench their delusion. By changing how you behave or interact you can remove yourself from a manipulative situation and detach to preserve your emotional wellbeing. By practising control over your feelings, thoughts, and actions you can maintain a calm and steady centre of being and speak truthfully and directly with quiet assertiveness. If your wayward partner tries to pull your emotional strings, you simply let them go in order to avoid being dragged back down into the mire. You regain control of your life by refusing to be played for a puppet – you are the one who is in control of yourself.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/

It’s so that she can’t hurt you anymore.

I’m sorry Icedale. It take two people to R. Get a plan together with your lawyer. Start separating finances and all that. And tell people. Tell your parents, her parents, siblings or close friends - whomever are the key people in your life that you’re separating/getting a divorce because of her affair with [OM - use his name]. You’re going to need support to get through this.

Dale,

Quick update for everyone:

Things are steadily getting worse. I implemented some of the 180 tactics and it really didn't do anything but make her more combative. At this point, it looks like we are heading to a D. I've had a few conversations with my wife about doing legal consultations and how things would likely play out and it just resulted in more avoidance. Honestly, even more blame shifting, fighting, and just an overall lack of accountability for her actions.

I told her at this point I'm not really interested reconciliation. Its not the route that I wanted, but I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel on this one.

I appreciate everyone's support throughout this thread.

As has been pointed out the 180 is for you. If you're implementing it there shouldn't be any combat. If she starts with you just say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way. If we were working on fixing our marriage I might be willing to have that conversation, but right now the biggest issue with our marriage is your infidelity and you're making it clear you're not interested in talking honestly and transparently with me about it."

Then walk away. Don't argue back, and don't take any bait. As Bigger often says, "go make a sandwich and watch some tv." The 180 about emotionally detaching from her and getting yourself grounded. Sometimes a WS will react and start coming to the table, but if not then you're already on your way to being detached and your message is clear. "I'm getting out of infidelity, one way or another, and I'm done living in uncertainty."

[This message edited by Pogre at 8:59 PM, Tuesday, June 23rd]

Thanks for all of the input, guys.

We talked tonight and as I assumed, she finally told me that she wants to Divorce. I'm glad she told me, just wish she went about it a different way.

I’m sorry Icedale. I know this isn’t what you wanted.

I assume you’ll be talking to your lawyer today. Make sure to get and follow his advice. E.g., don’t move out without talking to him first, because in some jurisdictions that could be abandonment and hurt your case. That sort of thing.

A word of caution. Your STBXWW is quite a piece of work. She cheated on you with an ugly child-molester. Bad-mouthed you to him. Got caught, continued to lie, never felt remorse, tried to blame you for everything and fought with you. Consider that there have been plenty of instances where people in her position have concocted false charges against their BSs. If you think there’s even a chance she might do something like that, talk to your lawyer about steps you can take to prevent it - can you put cameras in the house? Carry a VAR on your person? Maybe you guys will be completely amicable now that the decision’s been made, but from what you wrote, she seems like she’s going to fight with you. We know she’s got no compunction against talking bad about you, and I suspect that’s not going to change now.

Focus on your kids and ensuring the best outcome for them, especially given the fact that her AP is a child-molester. I wonder if her A ever even ended. Not that you should care at this point, but only because of the threat he poses to your children.

I’m sorry this is how things ended up.

In the long run you will be off finding out she had no interest in putting forth the 110% effort to Reconcile. You won’t have wasted years of your time and love and energy on someone who wasn’t interested.

I know it hurts right now. The pain will subside —it just takes time. Please get yourself some rest and really start implementing the hard 180. That means you don’t have to answer questions if things are getting ugly and you just cannot communicate w/ her.

Refer everything to a mediator or attorney. When she demands answers you can just say "I don’t know I’ll ask my lawyer" to any ?? you don’t want to answer.

See if you can work out a reasonable co-parenting plan that you can both bring to your attorneys so that it minimizes the bs k & forth & legal fees.

I appreciate the support.

All great advice. I will be following up with my lawyer today. My kids are the priority and I fear you are correct in the fact that this is going to be ugly.

I'm wondering if the A ever stopped myself. Either that, or she has another side piece. One of the first things she wanted was to get her phone on her own policy. That combined with her willingness to walk away, defensive behavior, etc.

I think something is going on...

Please see a therapist. I find it sad that you gave away chunks of yourself to please another person. Your hopes, dreams, needs are just as important as hers. You will find, with the help of a good therapist, how much you matter. Your unique self matters.
We all fear abandonment. We are meant to belong to a tribe. We are meant to have a family of some sort. You will need to find your way to others and become a part of them…but bring your new self. I sound like Pollyanna but there is happiness after this. I have a brother whose wife did this and you would enjoy watching him thrive. Go for it!

She wanted the security at home, and the fun behind closed doors.

My IC once said "You provided the safety and security she needed, he provided the fun and validation she wanted."

That stopped me dead in my tracks. She had the best of both worlds for a while. No wonder she was so happy :/

I too set myself aside for my wife. Put her needs/wants first. I was too nice too accommodating, and that made me boring to her. There was no challenge, no 'danger', no fun :/

Women crave a steady dependable reliable trustworthy hard-working husband, until they get it. And after a while it becomes boring, too predictable. And that's when the "bad" boy, the fun guy, the flirtatious guy, catches their eye and they think "I little harmless flirting can't hurt..."

Icedale

I get it why people say they are sorry it’s going this way.
I too feel compassion that it’s not headed where you want it to head… but I’m going to congratulate you on taking the first steps out of infidelity. Whatever the outcome it beats the limbo you have been offered to date.

I envision our work out of infidelity as heading out on a path that leads us to eventual peace. We have two possible routes to get there – one is called reconciliation and the other divorce. One path is dependent on you both walking it together, the other only requires that one of you want to go that route.
On the positive side they tend to run parallel or even share the same pathway for the initial phase. Some of the advice I offer early-d-day tends to be the same irrespective of if you are headed for R or D because it applies to the shared path.
Eventually you reach a fork, and at that time you might become more and more reluctant to backtrack or step over to the other path.

This might turn ugly…

Why?
Is there some special uncommon way your assets and debts are lined up?

Be ultra-realistic about divorce in your neck of the woods.

I have shared this numerous times here on SI: Some years ago I ran into an old friend at a hotel bar. He was with 3-4 other attorneys at some conference. I joined them for a drink or two and in our discussions they all confirmed that once they had the info required they could guestimate the outcome of a divorce with extreme confidence.
They talked about billed hours and how simply getting information that was legally required took time. How they would have to request the info again and again and again, and even possibly issue a subpoena for it.
Then the disputes over issues that they already knew how would turn out: Like you could insist your attorney demands the family home because of her affair. He could spend hours arguing with her attorney. End result would probably be 50/50 anyways. Just like it was before the 20 billable hours.
Then the disputes over issues not worth the time. She want’s the dining-room table valued at 1k? Not worth paying your attorney 4 hours to dispute it.

Their moaning was about the reputation attorneys get for charging by the hour and doing their best to prolong divorce, when in fact probably 2/3rd of the cost is avoidable if both parties understand the requirements and process.

I am so sorry you're here and are going thru all of this.

I have a good piece of advice. I think you should ask your wife what OW was like in HS or when she first noticed him. Maybe gently get her in the mode to reminisce.

I think you should sign up for one or two of those people search engines and look up where he lives, used to live, wherever he's worked and maybe look up his HS yearbook to see what he was like then.

When I hear about a overweight loser and a married woman who should have been out of his league, I start to wonder if he manipulated her.

I think finding all about him now could prevent future ticking time bombs. If she's been under his spell since HS, she might have been spending money on him. Make sure she has not depended on him so much that he has any of your shared passwords. I guess I would always wonder what the motivation was to start up with a loser like that. Or is she into kink or something? I don't think I'd ever be able to put it behind me until I heard a plausible reason.

I hope things go well for you and come to a speedy resolution.

Manipulated her? Under his spell?

What? How can someone, who does not want to be manipulated, be manipulated into an affair? How can someone be under a "spell"?

People cheat because they want to. Not because they were coerced. Because they want to.

When someone allows another person to invade a relationship it's because he/she wants that other person in some form or fashion.