SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi I am new to this site and hope it will help finding other with similar experience/feelings.
A few months ago I found out my husband had been basically attending nightclubs and online chat rooms, his mission was to find strangers for sex. He claims he was not successful prior to me stumbling on his lies about where he was going etc. The nightclubs were underground clubs of a very seedy nature.I more recently found out he has a porn habit, involving Cam girl sites. There's more but I won't bother to go into too much detail
Since finding out he keeps repeating he is very sorry, has stopped everything and wants to work to make our relationship better. It was not great before but these behaviours were the last thing I thought he would do
We have both had individual marriage counselling and I have now agreed to joint on the basis I am wanting to move forward but not necessarily with him.
I can't get over what he has done, or see a future for us, I feel repulsed and hugely let down by him
However. I can't face breaking up our family. Our children are all adults, 2 live away and completely independent . One is still at home following a mental health crisis and not yet able to support themselves. Splitting up will mean selling our home and the roof over our adult child's head, that is currently providing the stability they need. I am scared about setting their recovery back, but tortured about having to stay with a man I have no respect for and has hurt me so much
I appreciate there are is no easy solution to these situations but just need to vent, as no one to talk to in real life about this. Thanks

You have been heard....

I can relate to your story.

At the very minimum he needs a csat therapist and support groups. Even so it is a hard road to recovery, and even harder for reconciliation.

Your position is so tough, and I dont want to qmake it harder but there is a good chance you dont know everything yet as cheaters and porn abusers lie and trickle truth.

Let us know how we can help amd support you.

Hugs and caring thoughts as you navigate this horrible betrayal.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. There are some posts that are pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Some other posts that are good reads aren't pinned but you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

You didn't break up your family - your WH did. If he's met up with somebody in real life, then you both should be tested for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty things out there that can turn into cancer and kill you. If you have difficulty with anxiety, depression or sleeping, you may wish to talk to your doctor about some meds to help you through.

If you can, IC (individual counseling_ with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Your WH needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. After you've both had a chance to heal, then MC may be helpful with your relationship. His behavior is 100% his choice and isn't a reflection of you or your relationship. I would suggest that his porn use, use of escorts and others was a direct factor in your relationship issues. If he'd invested that time into your relationship, your relationship would probably be in a better place. Watch his actions to see if they align with becoming remorseful.

So sorry that you're here.

Please remember, HE made conscious choices. YOU were not part of HIS decision making therefore YOU are NOT responsible for the consequences of HIS decisions. If you end up deciding to divorce that is on him.

Do you think he gave any thought as to what might happen if your found out? Did he consider you might divorce him, force the sale of the house, what happens to your son that still lives at home?

My bet: Nope. The cheaters rarely do YET some/most try to make the BS feel partially responsible for the consequences of the affair. Early on my wife said "Placing blame doesn't help. Both of us are to blame." I said "I am not to blame. This is 100% on you"

She tried to gaslight but I quickly shut that nonsense down.

You do what is best for you and please do not feel that you are to blame or are somehow at fault. You're not.

ETA: Skip the MC, focus on IC. After several months consider MC if you think the marriage is worth fixing.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 1:25 AM, Monday, October 6th]

I understand your feelings. A suggestion I have is at a minimum you emotionally detach from him.

Maybe move into a different bedroom. You don’t have to tell your child anything other than "he snores and I can’t sleep" type of answer if questions are asked.

If you are not interested in marriage counseling you can decline. Or limit the number of sessions you attend because you are not all in on saving the marriage.

Sometimes cheating is a dealbreaker. And if you are one of those people then it’s good to know that up front.

And I am doubtful he was not successful in finding strangers for sex, given the types of places he frequented. FYI that is a typical cheater response when they are caught.

Typical cheater behavior is to say:

It didn’t mean anything
We did not have sex (define sex lol)
We just talked (at a motel lol)
She or He is just a friend
You (the betrayed) are crazy
I didn’t love him or her
I only love you (the betrayed)

I think you get the picture.

I usually preface my comments about kids with the caveat that I don't have kids so maybe my opinions mean little. Then again, sometimes someone outside of the situation sees things with a fresh take that a parent hasn't considered.

I've been where you are in the situation with infidelity, and I know how devastating it is. You seem to be leaning on the separation/divorce side but scared about what it might do to your kid at home. I was just thinking that, as hard as it is, to be strong and decisive and commanding in this situation, perhaps if you can muster that strength it would send a really positive message to your kid about what can be overcome? An example of personal conviction and not being a victim, rising from the ashes and all of that. And even if you don't or can't for a while, just trying until you make it. It's not easy facing this crisis but I hope you can, and I hope your kid can take something from it.

When I found out my husband was cheating on me, one of the most frightening and enraging aspects of it was how trapped I felt. We had just remortgaged our almost paid off home to build my mother in law a retirement apartment on our property, she was in the process of moving in, and everyone in the family, including my kids, was already grieving and traumatized because my beloved sister in law was dying of cancer (she died less than two weeks after DDay). I felt like I couldn’t divorce, because any kind of equitable settlement would involve selling the house (at a loss, if we could even sell it, because COVID had just hit and no one was buying), and traumatizing my kids and mother in law even more.

That trapped feeling is awful.

However, you might feel trapped now, but you don’t have to stay that way. Even though my husband and I decided to reconcile, I spent the year after DDay figuring out a plan to extricate myself from the marriage with as little collateral damage to my kids and mother in law as possible. I haven’t needed my plan, but it’s still there.

I think you should make a plan. Keep on going to therapy for yourself, and gradually, carefully get your ducks in a row with a divorce plan that keeps life as stable as possible for your adult child who is living with you. Work toward un-trapping yourself. You don’t have to do this instantly; just take it step by step, considering your options carefully as you go.

I’m very sorry for everything you’re going through. Infidelity is brutal.

I really dislike it when people say they are trapped.
I guess there are situations where you don’t have any options but frankly I think they are few and far between. Like what you state – you can’t break up your family because of your grown children – is not as common as the excuse you can’t break up the family because of the young children. In both instances the kids might be a great reason to attempt reconciling, but probably more of an excuse for inaction...

Remember that guy in Utah who got his hand trapped under a rock in some gully? After several days he eventually self-amputated using a pen-knife. He had options... he had the option of waiting for help as long as he could. He had the option of setting a deadline where he still had enough energy to cut off his arm. He had the option of ignoring that deadline and hope for help in the next 12-24 hours beyond that point...
He chose the option of self-amputating. Probably didn’t really want to amputate, but he realized he had options and this one was the "best" (or least terrible).

You have options.
You can end this relationship. It’s within your power. If what he did/does and the attempts to fix it are not cutting it for you then you do have this option. The laws and regulations around divorce will ensure you get a fair deal and your kid with the issues adequately seen to.

I want you to understand that you have options because then you might be more focused and content with the option you go for... Like if you try to reconcile with the attitude you are forced to do it and would prefer something else then it’s going to take forever before you realize you are still miserable.

Can this be reconciled? Well... yes... If both you and he want it and work for it. But do so in a committed way – just like he got to sawing away his arm.

I do want to warn you about one thing you wrote:
He doesn’t fix this by improving your relationship. He didn’t cheat because your sex-life was bland, your meatloaf not like mom’s or whatever. He cheated for reasons of himself alone. Generally IMHO people cheat for validation. He needs to discover what made him think this was such a swell idea.
Of course working at improving the relationship is great, but he needs to start by fixing HIS issues.

Then some practical issues:
Get him to take a STI test. I find it highly unlikely that he as a single middle-age or older male (seeing as how kids grown up) gets access to a sex-club other than one where sex-workers are offering paid-for sex. Swingers clubs and the like have a couples only or single women policy. Make sure you see the results in writing.
On this subject: Offer him a chance to come 100% clean. Maybe at a MC session. Offer him an amnesty period where you promise (and prepare to stick to it...) that if he shares that he paid for BJ’s or whatever then you won’t end the marriage there and then. Make it clear to him that learning NOW will hurt, but learning later will damage. Whatever trust you might have rebuild in 3 months will go out the window discovering THEN about a hand-job or whatever.

Go over the financing of his fetish. How did he pay for the clubs and the camera girls and all that? This gives you a tool to monitor if he’s being truthful in the future. It’s also a great way – assuming your finances are generally OK – to find funds for you two to work on your marriage.

Friend – I know my entry on this post might sound harsh but it’s totally true: You are no more trapped than you want to be trapped. You have options, including the option of reconciling. Just remember he has to be 100% onboard with reconciling too, and that it’s so much more than just him not going to seedy sex-clubs.

Thanks to all of you that have responded so far. All of your posts give me food for thought. He uas had an STI check, which he said was clear (but I didn't ask to see it). He is saying he is sorry and made a big mistake but there is an element of him placing blame at my door for the reasons he sought these particular activities. It is helpful to reflect on what has been mentioned that he made the decision to do so and what need for him did these particular things address for him, as they were pretty random places that, as general public, you would not stumble across, you would have to have had done some research to find out locations and activities. Thank you

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. He made deliberate, conscious decisions to cheat and to lie. He could have done many other things but decided to cheat. He could have talked to you about what was bothering him, he could have done IC or suggested MC for the two of you but he decided to cheat. He is minimizing the enormity of what he has done.

Demand to see the test results now. Go thru your finances. Tell him to write a full accounting of everything he did. Name's dates places money spent, every little detail.

After he gives it to you ask "Is this everything? You only have one shot at this" If he says yes then say "Okay, are you willing to take a polygraph?"

If he instantly says yes then there's a good chance he is being honest. If he stammers, stutters, delays, asks to review what he wrote, chances are he did not write down everything

You need to know where you stand. R will not work if you start with lies.