SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I really need some advice from people who understand and have been where I am now.

I feel that four years after my wife’s affair, things should be better — and they were, for a period of time. But this seems to be eating me up inside. The resentment and the feeling of being "not enough" are getting the better of me.

I have no friends apart from people I work with. I have no money for therapy. I don’t attend a gym. I don’t have any social life whatsoever, and neither does my wife. I’m a family man — my family is all I have, and I’m happy with that.

I have never really gotten answers from my wife, apart from her saying she was stupid and it was a mistake. But something inside me still feels uneasy.

There probably isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about the affair or mention it in some form or another to my wife. Whether that’s me bringing it up directly or expressing that I feel unwanted, unloved, and second-best — but most of all, stupid.

She has always said that she didn’t like her AP, that they just got on, had fun, and it was a laugh. She has always maintained that — even though I knew it was a lie. But a few nights ago, she admitted that she did like him. Even though I already knew, hearing it makes me feel uncomfortable. It feels like she has been lying to me all this time.

Her defense is that "that was then, and this is now." She liked him, but she doesn’t like him anymore.

This is something that’s playing on my mind. But it’s also the way she has dealt with my pain over the past few days that worries me. She used to be there when I needed to talk. She would always reassure me. But now, her words feel hollow. They’re just words.

She has turned cold.

She got really defensive and told me, "You can’t keep doing this. It has to stop." I questioned why she spent four years trying to convince me she didn’t like him — only now to admit that she did. Her answer was, "I did like him, but I don’t now."

I asked her to sit down and talk with me. She went mad. She told me that I’m destroying our family. She said, "Yes, I did what I did, but now we’re fixing things and you are destroying everything." She even called me a "dickhead" for acting like this.

Acting like what? I was just questioning why she told me she liked someone else.

The real problem for me is how she reacted. The way she spoke to me. The fact she walked away, even when I begged her to talk to me. She left the house and left me sitting there, thinking all sorts of things.

When she got home, I tried to speak to her calmly. She just said, "Here we go again. I thought you’d stop, but you keep asking questions. I’ve told you everything." She told me I can’t keep doing this — to man up, get over it, or get out.

Where did this come from?

When things calmed down, I asked her why she blew up like that. She blamed me. She said I’m destroying our family, and if I don’t stop, I’ll start losing things. She was threatening me.

In four years, she’s never been this harsh or this cold. She later said she just got angry and didn’t mean it. She said she knows I need to talk and she wouldn’t silence me.

But I’m struggling…

I don’t see this as my fault — and neither does she, at least not openly. But she says I have to stop, and I can’t keep doing this. I don’t feel like I’ve had the answers I need.

I don’t want to leave her. She says she doesn’t want to leave me — that if she wanted to, she would have gone by now. She says she’s going nowhere. But things feel strained. Our communication is fine, as long as we’re not talking about the affair.

But now, all I can think about is that she liked him.

When we argue, she tells me how bad I am — how I’m miserable, how we never do anything, how we never go anywhere. She even said I wasn’t a very good father figure. She puts me down — and then when we talk about the affair, she tells me how her AP made her feel good, how they had fun, and how it was a laugh.

In my head, all I see is that she liked him, they had sex, and they had fun.

Meanwhile, with me, she puts me down and tells me how bad I am. After an argument, she says she didn’t mean it and she just gets angry — but in my mind, that’s not right.

I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want her to leave. I want to get on with our lives — and she says she does too. But when she thinks things are going well, I start all over again, asking questions she says I’ve already had the answers to.

But I haven’t had the answers.

I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I don’t know which way to turn.

Things are just a mess.

Im sure many people have felt like I do. But how did it get any better? I don't want to leave. I don't want a divorce. I want the truth. I want to fix things and get our lives back on track.

Is that even possible? I just need to talk with someone that understands.

I'm so sorry you're here and that this agony has lasted so long for you. This absolutely is not your fault....but it is your unfortunate and unfair job to heal yourself no matter what the outcome of your marriage.

The resentment and not feeling enough, I'm sure every BS feels. It did take me the longer end of the 2-5 yrs healing to wrestle that particular demon into submission. My FWH was all in, did the work....I still don't have all the answers. I no longer want them. We're about 7 years out now. I do like where we are. There were a few occasions during that 2-5 yrs where he snapped or I snapped. None of this healing is linear, unfortunately.

Is she blaming you for the affair OR for the difficulty in healing from it? Listen, you wouldn't be upset at all if you didn't love her. This is devastating. You can keep your family, even in a divorce. You have to do what is best for you and your healing. Eventually, there comes a point where you have to radically accept that this happened to you, it is earth shattering, and that it could happen again whether with her or someone else. I think as BS, or at least I did, you get into this unhealthy loop. Your brain is trying to protect you.

IS this a one off? Does she always put you down in an argument? That's no way to recover a marriage. Insulting you and then apologizing after the fact is horrible for your marriage.

You have to heal yourself and the two of you have to work hard together to heal the marriage. What work has she done to help? Therapy needed to happen for us, IC and MC....extensive therapy. Have you guys read the books? There are so many resources online in podcasts.

Hello Ladybugmaam

Thank you for your relpy

This is one thing my wife has said many times that she can only do so much and I have to help myself. My wife did everything at the start and that lasted longer than 2 - 3 years. But has started to change.

I haven't had the answers and I'm searching everywhere. I read, I watch Youtube, I have been to therapy. My wife read a book only because I kept on at her. She says everyone if different and everyones problems are unique to them. She says I cant read and compare us to others.

She isnt blaming me for the affair and never has. She has always said that she takes full responsibility for the affair.

I want to accept this has happened. But I don't know how. It feels like she got all the full and I am paying the price.

She never puts me down to other people. It seems to be when we both get angry and argue. Once the argument has calmed down we argue we are horrible to each other but we don't mean it.

I just don't see how this can get any better. It should be better by now but seems to be worse.

For starters, the affair is 100% her fault. Doesn't matter how terrible a relationship is one can always leave and start a new relationship but cheaters want their cake and want to eat it so they take the easy way out and cheat

4 years is a long time for this to be eating you up inside. Did either of you go to IC when you learned about the affair? Was there any MC?

I do agree with your wife that you constantly seeking answers to the same questions after 4 years is detrimental to your relationship. Either you're not getting answers or you are just not accepting of the answers. The one question to which there is no good answer is why did you cheat on me. There is no answer that will make a BS say okay, I understand that, I feel better now, we can move on

Affairs happen because people are selfish and self-centered and shortsighted. My wife blamed it on closing in on 50, hair falling out, skin is starting to Sag in certain places, kids are at a point where they don't need her around as much, so she said she was feeling washed up and here comes a man 10 years younger than my wife (13 years younger than me) who is charismatic and friendly and charming and Carries a Gun and a badge and stops by every day to visit with all the women in their offices. According to her it was the compliments that validated to her that she was still attractive at almost 50 years old and she was willing to gamble a 27-year relationship on compliments from a man who has now had three affairs

While he was carrying on with my wife his wife was waiting to have surgery to find out if she had breast cancer. He had an affair several years ago as well and after I discovered this affair he went on to bang the school social worker not only in his car but on her desk in the school

It took me a long time to stop believing that I was just not enough of a man to keep her happy. It took me a long time to get over the self-doubt and self loathing. One day talking to my brother early on I said I cannot compete with this guy and my brother said stop right now. You should never be in competition with another man for a woman. Either she wants you or she doesn't but never ever feel like you have to compete and it clicked

If what I offer isn't enough, okay. Then we go our separate ways and you find what you need elsewhere and I'll find someone who will be happy with what I bring to the relationship.

I get the impression you are stuck in this Loop of Self Doubt. I cannot tell you how to stop that, only you can figure out that answer. For me I went back to the gym right away and then like you I had no Social Circle outside of my wife and I knew that was not healthy for me so I found a group through an online app called Meetup. You put in what your interests are and they will find groups in your area that share similar interests and I found a group that plays sand volleyball on Tuesdays and the first time I went you couldn't tear the smile from my face

Here I am at 53 years old once again learning how to socially interact with other people without my wife and it was a little daunting at first but it made me feel so much better about myself. Because I realized that even if my marriage ends I will be fine. I will move on I will find somebody else who will be happy to be with me

I told my wife "you have a social circle at work, I don't (self employed construction) and this is not healthy for me so I found a group that gets together to play volleyball (and other social outings) and I'm going to join them and you cannot be there. I need a social circle that does not revolve around you." So incredibly hard to say those words but it needed to be said.

I'm pretty sure she is not comfortable with this and honestly I don't care. The only reason I am with this group is because of what she did so she gets to deal with her uneasiness that I am socializing with other women

You need to find an outlet, activity, that makes you feel good about yourself. Go volunteer to work with kids or animals or something. Find something that will help you feel better about yourself and do it

I think IC would help you greatly.

Hi WB1340

Thank you for reply.

Im sorry you have been through this. But it sounds like your out the other end and you are happy with where you stand in life now.

I have done IC alone. My wife hasn't done anything. I am 4 years along and while at times things feel ok. There are times they are just not.

I compare myself to the AP and I can not compete in ages, looks, personality or anything else that he had to offer my wife.

The words I liked him seem to cut deep. Its like what does that work yes I liked him really mean.

I feel lost and I feel alone. I keep thinking things should be better by now. But they are not.

It feels like she should be fixing this. Even thought my wife keeps telling me we both need to put in the effort. It feels like as long as I don't mention the affair or her feelings for him in particular i will be ok. The moment I question the whole thing I get the same words and the eventually defensivness which cuts the conversion down.

The resentment and the feeling of being "not enough" are getting the better of me.

Who's resentment, yours or hers?

Plenty of betrayed spouses express this feeling of "not being enough." It's a perfectly natural response, I think, but only because we all wonder "why me?" What's did I do to deserve this? A big part of this feeling stems from our brains doing what brains automatically do: learning.

Whenever we experience a trauma, our brains automatically try to figure out why the trauma occurred and how to avoid similar trauma in the future. When the trauma occurred because of something we did, it's easy enough to learn from the error and adjust ourselves accordingly. When the trauma occurred because of someone else's actions, it seems our brains don't automatically know the difference, unless it's blatantly obvious.

In ten years on this site, having read from countless betrayed spouses, I've yet to identify one thing we all have in common (aside from marrying our wayward spouses). Not one thing that would suggest--in any way, shape, or form--that a betrayed spouse was "not enough" of anything.

I have never really gotten answers from my wife, apart from her saying she was stupid and it was a mistake. But something inside me still feels uneasy.

Infidelity is not a mistake; it's a choice. Most of us need to understand why our wayward spouse did whatever they did, even those who immediately seek divorce. While no "whys" will ever justify infidelity, and we may never fully understand those "whys," what's more important, when it comes to reconciliation, is knowing "why not."

That's the essence, I think, of reconciliation. We reconcile who the wayward spouse allowed themselves to become with who the wayward spouse is becoming.

Without the answers you seek, reconciliation is never going to happen. If divorce is not an option, then you're stuck in limbo, the absolute worst place to be.

She's put the ball in your court confidently aware that you're not going anywhere.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 6:29 PM, Monday, October 6th]

You don't need to leave, but you do need to put leaving on the table.

"Get over it or leave".

You don't leave.

Guess what I would do if my wife said that to me.

I'm sure there are plenty of other things you could do to have a more constructive R, but it seems more likely than not she knows you won't leave so she knows she doesn't have to change her behavior.

You are in "detain and torture" mode from "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair".

For me, I held onto how very bad the affair was for a very long time. As if somehow not accepting that absolute horror of an affair would somehow insulate me from something like that happening again.

I have a pretty traumatic background. Raised by an addict and homeless as a child. I noticed that somehow….the affair was worse. As a child, I didn’t have a choice. As an adult, I do. The constant references to affairs all around us had me triggered all the time. For too long, everything somehow seemed connected to it.

I know that for us, when I was triggered….he’d feel attacked. I had to learn how to communicate my pain and needs in ways that didn’t feel attacking to him. He had to learn to be present with my pain and be vulnerable with his own emotions. We don’t do that right 100% of the time, but those two things made a real difference for us. I could eventually empathize with him dealing with my pain. If he hadn’t been showing up for me in a multitude of ways, I would have left. But, I also recognized that no one can be 100% "bad" and also have any desire to work with me to build something new. The mere fact that he was still showing up for it told me volumes about what I needed to feel safe. Now, sometimes, if something is particularly important to me, I can tell him what I need to feel safe. That no longer include where his head was at during the affair - they had an affair. It was a double betrayal. She was a "friend". They both gaslit me to the point that I thought I was crazy….until I actually lost my mind in the way BS’s do when the truth comes out. The truth always comes out.

I’m glad you’re getting some help. I’m sorry for why you need to. That part is the absolute worst. Hang in there.

Bose85 I've been thinking of you all day and just now able to respond. I'm also a betrayed husband and experienced much of what you are.

I'm no therapist but what you describe is PTSD. At 4 years out many would be scarred but not still traumatized. This is actually pretty normal. You didn't properly grieve the infidelity and death of your old relationship. Neither did I. Your wife hasn't helped with her comments,although, her behavior is quite normal for a wayward. Im assuming she has returned to the marriage and broke contact with the AP.They are often mired in shame and want it all behind them and not discuss or look back. Thats what my wife did/does.

For you and I we can never forget. The pain can be managed but in early stages there is nothing more painful.Until we get clarity on all details we will always be triggered by a song, a date, part of town or building. It differs individually.
You are 4 years out, my wife confessed and gave me no reason to think the affair continued four about 3 years. Then my gut told me it restarted, I went to IC 3 times, total disaster. My wife swears nothing was going on. I have no proof. Hind sight I was in PTSD.
At the 5 year mark we had our 1st of 3 children, all mine I'll add. At this time I saw a transition in her as she became a mom. She was the best mom there ever could be. All now adults with kids. Life is good oe so I thought.

3 years ago my wife and daughter shared that our son inlaw had multiple affairs from the beginning 4 kids involved. I froze just like before. We have a big family parents grandparents, inlaws all very close. We never told anyone. I suffered in silence for 3 decades. This time I got help. The damage that can be done in that length of time is incredible. She specializes in trauma, including infidelity trauma. I cant thank her enough.

You said you can't afford therapy but you also said you had been in therapy. If you had a bad experience try again. You cant do this on you own. I have a lot more similarities in your situation. This is enough for tonight.

@BOAZ367

Thank you for your message. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I’m sorry you’ve been where I am now. It’s an awful place to be, to end up in, and to try to navigate.

I honestly think you may be right — I may have PTSD. In some ways, I think things have got worse as time has gone on. Maybe my wife has been playing me. She did what she needed to do when she needed to, just long enough to patch things over, and now I’m left with the choice of putting up and shutting up, or leaving.

She broke it off with the AP straight away — the day after she told me.

I think it would be easier for me if she was still trying. But to me, it seems like she is doing the bare minimum.

When she used to see me struggling, she was there. But now she sees me having a hard time and she acts like she doesn't see me.

She’s actually told me that I need to stop this, that I can’t keep doing this. I do agree, but the fact is she has admitted that she did like him. Hearing the words and looking in her eyes hurts. After four years it feels like I’m back to where I started — but this time without the support of my wife.

I can’t afford therapy again, and I don’t know how this is ever going to get any better.

I’ve tried telling my wife that we should be supporting each other and she says she does. But I just don’t feel it.

She is right about one thing: If I carry on the way I am, I will end up losing everything. She’s said I need to wake up and see what’s in front of me before it’s too late.

Hello @Ladybugmaam

I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

I'm glad you two are working through the mess — even if it's not linear. You're still together, and he's taking responsibility for the pain he caused.

That's one thing my wife used to be able to do, but can't anymore. She used to feel my pain. She used to be there for me. But now I feel alone. That pain is mine and mine alone. She gets defensive — and even when she doesn't, she cuts me down by saying she was stupid and it was just a mistake.

I don’t know if what I'm seeing are red flags or if it's just paranoia.

I'm really sorry you've been hurt by two people close to you. It cuts deep when the people closest to you can do this — and when you ask why, you get no answers.

Thank you for your kind words.

Hello @This0is0Fine

It feels like if she cared, leaving would matter. But it feels like she’s holding all the cards. She’s the one who cheated, yet it feels like she’s the one who gets to leave.

I know I can walk away at any time — and so can she. But if she were truly sorry, I feel like she’d do whatever it takes to fix this. Instead, she’s the one telling me to just get over it, to "man up," and she threatens me, saying if I don’t stop, I’ll lose everything.

Even if leaving is on the table, does she care enough? If I stay, she would have to put in some effort. If I go, she gets to walk away — and maybe be with the AP or someone else.

It’s like she doesn’t care either way. Just wants me to let her know what I decide, because she knows I can’t keep doing this.

I think she knows — from previous arguments — that if she walks away, I’ll chase her. That I won’t let her go. She’s even said she knows I won’t go anywhere, and neither will she. We just end up being horrible to each other.

It feels like no matter what she does to me, she believes I’ll never leave.

I feel stuck.

Hello @Unhinged

I think there is resentment from both sides.

I do wonder, why me? I wonder how this happened to us — and will it happen again?

She keeps saying it was a mistake. I’ve said it wasn’t a mistake, it was a choice — and she said no, it was her mistake. I’ve tried to find out why. She just says she doesn’t know. What else do I want her to say? That she was just stupid?

I feel stuck right now. Four years on, and hearing her say that she liked him just makes me think: what else is she keeping from me? She seems to think I should take comfort in the fact that she did like him, but doesn’t now. I don’t even know if I believe that, to be honest.

All I know is that she tells me how bad I am and how good he is.

How am I meant to come back from the fact that, four years later, she admits she liked him?

It feels like I can’t even talk to her because of the defensiveness. She’s told me to stop. She had her cake and ate it, and now I have to live with that.

She says I told her I could get over this — that I could do it. She says it’s not fair on her that I’m doing this now, when I "lied" and told her I could get over it.

Your WW is either unable or unwilling to own and fix her shit. Affairs are not simply "stupid mistakes." I am absolutely certain that if you were to poll betrayed spouses who consider their marriages reconciled, every single one of them would agree that their wayward spouse did their best to own and fix their shit. We cannot expect perfection, nor a holistic change, while we can expect, and demand, a reasonably sustained effort to learn and grow, becoming a better version of themselves.

You've spent four years of your life, years you will never get back, in a situation that impares, if not outright precludes, reconciliation.

Brother, you're not the first BS to find themselves stuck in limbo hell. I've read stories from folks in your shoes and I can safely say that this situation will eat you alive. There are plenty of horror stories on SI. People spending years of their lives banging their heads against some mad-bugger's wall are among them.

You're not stuck. You're making a choice.

After d day I put up with about 2 weeks worth of her not letting go, still talking to him over messenger and at work because they were "just friends" now while I did the pick me dance. I accused her of being in love with him because she wouldn't go full NC with him. She denied that. Then at about that 2 week mark I broke down and snooped through her messages. I saw a conversation with one of her friends where she talked about how hard it was to not talk to him outside of work, and that she loved him SO much he "made her hands shake" and "No one has ever done that to me before."

I was livid. Crushed. Destroyed. That's when I started calling lawyers and real estate agents. That broke her. Suddenly she wanted nothing to do with him. She cut ties, blocked him on everything, and told him no more contact. The threat of losing me broke her right out of limerance, which is what I believe it was. You don't go from being "in lurve" with someone like that to instant dislike. I don't think it was love at all. It was infatuation, limerance, the fog, or whatever you want to call it, but it wasn't love. Not really. She loves me. She demonstrated, and continues to demonstrate that now.

She hates his guts now. Not long ago he approached her for the first time since that 2 week mark in early March, and she told him to leave her alone, she messed up, still loves me, and told him to shove off. She told him if he tried to talk to her again she was reporting him to HR. I made a comment about how I could gleefully beat him to death with a baseball bat, and without hesitation she said she'd happily watch while wiping the sweat from my brow.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at with this post aside from saying I get it man. I know how you feel. D day for me was about 6 months ago, so it's still pretty fresh, but Whatever feelings she had for him at the time are gone now. I know that she loves ME. She kicked her AP to the curb with prejudice, and her sole focus is on me now. She's doing everything I ask, she's answering all of my questions, no matter how uncomfortable it makes her and she's doing everything she can to make amends. What I'm focused on are the good things right now.

If you haven't, read up on "the fog," the chemical reactions that happen in the brain during an affair, and the mindset of a cheater while it's happening. None of it excuses infidelity, but it might help you understand the thought processes that are going on inside an unfaithful partner's head while they're caught up in the excitement of an affair.

You have got to get yourself right with divorce being an acceptable option.
I can’t recall a situation like yours (and there have been many) where anything changed until the BS was ok with divorce, made the WS know it, and started pursuing it.